From excited to silent

I found out that we are expecting our baby on the 25th of March 2016. I was over the moon, soon after finding out the morning sickness started and as terrible as it was I kept telling myself that it is oky because it only means that everything is going well. On the 3rd of May 2016 we got to see our peanut for the first time and I thought that my heart was going to swell out of my chest, there was no words to describe this feeling. My doctor was happy and we were both healthy. On the 19th Of August at 26 weeks we found out that we will be having a little boy, just like we wanted. Everything went so perfectly, we named him Kian (God is gracious). I went on maternity leave on the 10th of November 2016 at 38 weeks, so happy and relaxed. I did a few things that day like getting the car washed ect. and had a doctor’s appointment that afternoon. He did his examination (but not a scan) and was happy, I told him that I was experiencing some pain in my lower abdomen and he assured me that it was because Kian was moving down into my birth canal. Two hours later at home I noticed light spotting and called the doctor. I was not stressed because of everything I read this is normal, this is my show, this is it we are having a baby and in a few days he will be coming home, my excitement was endless. The doctor said we should go to hospital so they can just make sure there is no infection. We get to the hospital and they send us to the maternity ward. So the first nurse comes and starts searching for the heartbeat, but nothing so she gets two more nurses to try and still nothing, my heart dropped, their machines must be broken because this cannot be. So they tell us that they are getting a doctor to come and do a sonar. We waited about an hour for this doctor to see us, he does the sonar but does not play us the heartbeat, he tells us to go back to our room and he will call my doctor. That was it, I knew it, Kian was gone but perhaps a miracle and all the equipment was broken. I will never forget the nurse's face when she came into the room and told us how sorry she was but unfortunately they cannot find a heartbeat. My whole world come tumbling down but still hope? At about 12am on the 11th of November 2016 I started getting very bad contractions, I was already 6cm dilated, at 2am I was fully dilated and started pushing. Buy 4am this wonderful perfect little baby boy came out, I remember looking at him between my legs and watching his stomach for movement but nothing, then I started screaming at him to breath but nothing, just absolutely nothing and that is when the reality of it all hit me full force. I will not be a mom today I will not be taking this perfect being home. He is gone! They let us spend about 4 hours with his body, that's all that we got after 9 months of excitement and love, only 4 hours. We dressed him, got a hand and foot print, he was measured 48cm, and weighted 2.765kg. We took a lot of photos, kissed him and held him and then they came and took him away. My journey as a mother ended...


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