Or maybe you don’t want to give hidings, but find yourself doing it because you don’t know how else to get through to your child. So what do children learn from being spanked? The hitting itself doesn't teach them anything.
“Well if you don’t punish, what DO you do? How do you teach them right from wrong? How will they learn?”
Firstly, there needs to be a sense of calmness and order in the house. If you are giving your child a hiding for being physical and chaotic, aren't you adding to the physical chaos by being physical and violent with your child? What are you teaching them? Often parents are frustrated and burnt out because they have tried every technique and strategy out there to no avail. Their child’s behaviour hasn’t changed and more specifically, they are on the verge of breaking point themselves. To help parents understand why their disciplinary strategies don’t work, Dr Shefali Tsabary – Clinical Psychologist & author of “The Conscious Parent”, does the following exercise with them: She asks them to use the word “discipline” in a sentence. In every case, they say something like, “How can I discipline my child?” or if they are addressing their child, they say, “I am going to think of a way to discipline you.” She then points out how the word “discipline” is used as a verb: Something you do onto another.
What do they really mean when they use the term “discipline”?
"If they are really honest, they say something to the effect of, “I want a way to control them” or “I annoyed/irritated at my kids and they are going to pay for it,” or “I am so frustrated because I cannot change how they behave.” And this, she reveals to them,” is the reason why disciplinary strategies with our children backfire. We say we want to teach our children proper behaviour and help them develop self-discipline. Yet instead, we have adopted strategies that are the direct opposite of teaching and instead are just clever guises of manipulation and control.” And because no human being likes to be manipulated, children act out!
Kids who are spanked are less emotionally healthy
According to ahaparenting's website, “the last thirty years of research gives us very clear results. (The citations are at the end of this post.) Kids who are spanked are less emotionally healthy than kids who aren't. What's more, kids who are spanked behave worse over time. So if you were spanked and think you came out alright, it wasn't because of the spanking. And while you fine, hopefully, you would probably be a bit healthier emotionally if you hadn't been spanked.” “Large, peer-reviewed studies repeatedly show that the more children are hit, the more likely they are to hit others, including peers and siblings. As adults, they are more likely to hit their spouses. The more parents spank children for antisocial behaviour, the more the antisocial behaviour increases. All of the peer reviewed studies being published continue to confirm these findings.” Children, like most people, behave as well as they’re treated. If we treat them with respect, that respect is returned. Children lead by example. They watch everything you say and do when it comes to other people, family, friends, mother and father.
Internal and external motivation for self-discipline
Children need to learn self-discipline and there are two kinds of motivation: internal, and external. External is when parents use sticker charts, rewards and punishment. Children then learn to link certain behaviour to something external, either by promising a reward or the fear of being punished. They’re not learning to do, or not do something because it does or does not feel right, but because they’ve been trained to respond to something outside themselves. When they grow up, they can rebel against their own upbringing or seek that outside approval, be it in a relationship, marriage, job etc. Self-discipline is wanting to something for you, not for someone or something else. Self-discipline comes from internal motivation. When you parent without punishments and rewards, you’re allowing your children to develop their own internal motivation.
Children respond to kindness, and they behave as well as they’re treated. Make time for your kids, even if it’s just 10mins a day. You as a parent need to keep that connection between you and your child. Have age-appropriate limits and expectations accompanied by empathy. - Juanne Cronjé
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