By Jan de Lange

Divorce has become fairly common and it comes as no surprise that this is a stressful experience for children of all ages. During a divorce, children experience an array of confusing emotions that they need help dealing with. These emotions are unavoidable but not unmanageable. Here are some ways you can help your children navigate the pain of divorce in ways that will help them adjust as well as possible to this enormous change.

Be honest

This is as important during the initial separation as it is afterwards. Tell your children why you are getting divorced. You don’t need to give them the full run-down of how of your marriage broke down but don’t hide relevant details. You’ll still discuss the topic long after the papers have been signed and filed so think about how you want to tell your side of the story. Different parts of the story might become relevant as your kids grow up. Be prepared for those conversations by making sure that what you tell them at the time of divorce won’t be contradicted by facts you want to share later. While kids of all ages will naturally have plenty of questions, remember that you can tell them you don’t want to talk about something right then.

Show love

Kids often react to divorce by blaming themselves for the problems that occurred in your marriage. Pre-empting this can save them a lot of heartache in the long run. Repeating the reasons for your divorce can help avoid this. Make clear that those reasons are not their fault. Some days they will understand this well while they may need reassurance on others. Be patient when this happens and calmly remind them why this big change occurred. More than anything, keep showing them that both their parents love them.

Avoid the blame-game

This can be particularly challenging, especially when hurtful behaviours like infidelity are involved. Even those who have very strongly resolved not to resort to finger-pointing can fall into this trap. Honesty without criticism is vital here. Your kids love and need both of their parents. Bad-mouthing the other parent could leave your child deeply conflicted over who they’re going to be loyal to. This is not a choice any child should have to make.

Divorce is complex and messy. Many parents feel a lot of pressure to “get it right” and while there are ways to help your children, there is no tried and tested right way of going about it. Be as understanding as you can of the range of emotions your kids experience. Allow their best interests to tether you when your own emotions feel overwhelming. Remember to be kind to yourself.