Although children are absolute highlights in parents’ lives, there’s no denying that having a child adds stress to a marriage or partnership. There’s not only the unfortunate burden of financial stress – equipment, diapers, medical costs, (temporary) loss of income – but the emotional kind as well. Suddenly you and your partner is faced with challenges you never had to deal with before, juggling the in-laws, your views on parenting, your beliefs that may differ.

Relationships either survive this bump, so to speak, making it stronger, or crash, with divorce being the only alternative left.

My whole world!

Family, as a unit, is the toddler’s whole entire world. That is all he or she knows. Having been through life, you as an adult know you can build another life for yourself. Even though it hurts, a heart can be healed over time. But a small child cannot know this yet, her reality being only ‘me, parents and siblings’. Be sensitive to this, and reassure your child over and again, through words AND actions.

What did I do?

As we have come to realise, toddlers are self-centred little people (darlings, but selfish little darlings). They are the centre of their own universe, and parents breaking up may let them think they’ve caused it. They will not be able to necessarily communicate this in words, so be mindful of their actions and responses. A return to thumb or dummy sucking, bed-wetting, trouble going to sleep (even more than usual) and being afraid of sleeping alone can be sure-fire signs that your little tot is feeling the strain.

Both of us still love you very much 

Nothing can change the fact that you and your ex-partner are both the parents of this child. Whatever may have happened between the two of you doesn’t change the fact that you are still the parents. For your child’s wellbeing, never speak ill of the other parent in front of your children. Says mom Tamarah: “Keep it simple and explain that you can’t live together in a friendly or healthy way anymore, and it’s nobody’s fault (whose fault it actually was is not your child’s problem to have to deal with)”. 

Tips to live by

• Get age-appropriate books to deal with the emotional turmoil of divorce
• Spend extra one-on-one time with your child, making them feel valued and loved
• Explain what is happening, and what he or she can expect will happen in the near future (they need to feel secure)
• Stick to routines as closely as possible!
• Doing some role-playing is a good idea for bigger children especially, to help them deal with their feelings
• Acknowledge the negative feelings they might be having – it is ok to feel anger and sadness

“Both parents have to be happy for happy children,” says mom Melissa. As hard as it is, divorce is sometimes the only next important step for a healthier and happier life. 

Have you gone through a divorce with small children? What advice can you give other moms going through this struggle at present? Let Moomie know about your journey, and what eased the process for your little ones. – Jana Cloete

Picture by: Dani G Photography. Contact her at info@danigphotography.co.za.