Help needed

Hi Natasha,

Gosh, sounds like your in-laws are rather overbearing.

My advice to you would be to see if you can convince DH to go for some counselling sessions with you. And if he refuses, then perhaps go for a few yourself so that you have someone who you can work through your feelings and your situation with.

I know it's hard to think of his feelings when he's behaving like this but it seems like he's also in a very difficult position - he's kind of caught in the middle between your wishes and his mother's wishes and he doesn't know who to listen to or how to keep everyone happy. His default is to try to please him mom because that's what he's been doing his whole life.

You guys have only been married a year and it's normal to have issues and to be struggling with communication. It's also completely normal to be having mother-in-law issues! If you don't figure out a way to address it now, it will only get worse once your baby is born.

If I were you I would pitch some counselling sessions to him not as a way to "save your marriage" (there can be such negative associations with therapy) but rather as a way to help you guys communicate - certain churches or religious institutions make this kind of counselling mandatory before they will agree to marry you. I would also recommend you read "The Five Love Languages", it's a great book that may help you understand each other better.

For the record, I think he's being a complete idiot with the way he's behaving and he needs to learn to set boundaries with his family and take your feelings into consideration. After birth is a particularly tough time on you emotionally and physically and you need to be in a situation where you feel thoroughly comfortable.

I have a cousin who was in a similar situation to you and who also lives right next door to her in-laws. Her husband refused to go for counselling and always took his interfering mother's side so she went by herself and it helped her immensely to figure out ways that she could change her behaviour to get what she wanted from her husband and her in-laws. She started phoning her mother-in-law regularly and talking to her for ages about the most mundane things (to try to build a better relationship with her), started compromising on the less important things and stopped complaining to her husband when his family did ridiculous things and instead let him see for himself how unreasonable his family was being. Eventually he started standing up for her himself and they're now in a really good space.

Good luck, I hope you find something that works for you!

Hi Natasha,

I know exactly what you're going through. My husband and I have been going through the same thing. Fortunately my hubby seems a little more understanding than yours does.

I am also a very private person and hated it when people touched my tummy all the time when I was preggers. And of course, his mum did it at every chance she got....even though she knew how uncomfortable I was with it. We also end up at his mum's place every weekend and stay over with a 4 month old baby! So I think I know exactly how you're feeling.

You need to make your hubby understand that after the baby arrives both of you need to be comfortable. You cannot be stressed out and frustrated. Your LG will pick up this and it will affect her as well. You need to be in a calm, relaxing environment and enjoy bonding with your little one. Please don't give up. Try talking him and make him understand that whats best for you also be whats best for your baby.

I hope that things get better for you.

I agree with TanyaS.

The main problem here is you and your husband need to become a unity. He should not make any arrangements or any other plans without discussing it with you. (Goes both ways)

Secondly, your husband has to stand up for you when it comes to his family. He needs to lay down the ground rules.

Thirdly, the only other person allowed to have an opinion on how your child is raised, is your husband. Granny already had her turn, this is your turn.

Personally I find staying over at anyone very uncomfortable with a baby. Maybe you can make a fair compromise, such as just the 3 of you for the first few weeks, and if anyone wants to visit no longer than one hour? Those first few days is a lot of nursing, you will spent the whole day in your room if anyone is around.

All I can say to you is that its your baby and you need to put your foot down. Time to have a big family meeting and you need to lay down the laws. How you want to bring up your baby is non of your parent in laws business.

Hi Mommies-2-b

I’ve had a pretty rough weekend and just need to vent...

Let’s start from the beginning. Me and DH got married March 2013
DH has a very “involved” family. Up to such a point that I had to argue with him to be able to spend every 2nd weekend alone at home instead of going to his family every single weekend. Which still does not happen as we are with them more often over weekends then not. The only way I can describe them is “all encompassing and overwhelming”
DH is very much a “mummy’s boy” and hasn’t had much responsibility before we got married
My mom died when I was 12 and since then I have my gran, a younger sister and a younger brother that I classified as my family. I had to look after said younger brother and sister so had major responsibilities from a young age.
A few weeks ago I mentioned that I wanted my gran to come and help me when our LG is born. DH had such a freak out session about him wanting to help that I decided I would allow the 3 of us to be at home alone for the first week and then get my gran to come from the second week.
His mother also had this argument with me that HER grandchild will not be driving around in a car seat as that is bad for the baby’s back so either I cart our LG around in a carry cot or on my lap when we’re driving. Obviously I was a little upset as I am very PRO Infant Car Seats and completely against anything that doesn’t have at least a 3 point harness system. Which is actually the law. Apparently I am also not allowed to use disposable nappies on HER grandchild....
On Thursday last week DH called me just to say that he has arranged with his mother that we will be staying with them for a week after baby is born (They live 45 min away from our house, our doctor and our hospital). I was extremely upset to say the least. The only reason my gran isn’t around from the word go is because he gave me the impression that he wanted to look after us for the first week. No mom would deny if her husband wanted to help that much
I am a very private person. And would never even change my LG’s nappy in a public place never mind allow anyone else to see my BF or walking in my jammies. He knows how I feel about my personal space and people getting up to close. His sister continually walks up and starts poking my stomach without even asking even though she can see that I am uncomfortable.
When I told him that I would prefer us being at home as a family and that I would not feel comfortable in his mom’s house so soon after the baby was born with the bleeding and breastfeeding he just couldn’t understand that I just am not that close to his mom. I asked him if it would be fare that I asked his family to leave the room in their own house when I breastfed because I won’t allow anyone but the 3 of us around and he said that would be fine but when I asked his mom once to make me something different to what they had for supper when we went over for lunch all hell broke loose. Ever since I found out I was pregnant I can barely stomach any meat and stick to lean meats and veggies.
I did say that I would be more than welcome to go and visit them once me and baby has been for our 6 week checkups. I was then told that I am making enemies and that I am a big disappointment to him and his family. The argument ended with him saying that at this point he couldn’t care less if I threw myself in front of a truck after the baby was born. And that I could go stay with my gran on the farm if I need emotional support.
On Friday he called me at work to ask if we could talk and I agreed to talking about it again that evening. Nothing was discussed as mister didn’t even greet me when he came home from work. On Saturday morning we went to go visit my gran on the farm. This is the second time since we got married that we went visiting my family and this will also be the last time for this year that I would have been able to visit them before baby comes
On arrival he greeted my gran and sister and then ended barely speaking to anyone the rest of the day. On Sunday he wanted to know if we were going to visit his family after the 350km drive. When I said I would prefer us ending the weekend off with just the 2 of us at home, he started sulking again. We have seen his family for the last 3 weekends in a row after all...
On the way back I was told that I needed to give him an answer now regarding staying with his family after the birth and when I then said that my mind has not changed I was told that he will drop me at home and then go tell his mother the news in person. I left him to go as he pleased. An hour later he was back at home not saying a word.
I then decided to run off to spar to get a few things for lunch the following day. Just to see that all of a sudden his car was washed. So basically it turns out he lied to me about going to speak to his mother.
I really don’t know what to do about these situations anymore. I can feel that the stress and pressure is affecting me and the baby. Can someone advice on how I am supposed to deal with this? Do I just give in and let him take over again?