Temper

Would you mind emailing to me? Where did that "hide" thing go?

I couldn't agree more with the staying calm part! I have learned this the hard way.

I remember when my LO starting hitting me in the face. I realised how ill equiped I was for this parenting job. I also realised that loving your child (love is enough) is not enough. My parents today will tell you that they love me wholeheartedly, but their methods of showing it was not very succesful.

What I have realised is that the style of parenting you follow will produce a certain type of adult. All of us want our children to be happy, balanced, independent, responsible, loving, kind, thoughtful etc. I realised that in order to get to that goal I would have to ask myself some serious questions about my parenting style.
I have done quite some reading on what style of parenting results in selfish depressed, irresponsible, low selfesteem kids/adults. (having had a tough time myself).

(Ps: I totally respect that some parents use this method of dicipline (removing yourself/child from the space), but I find it interesting and made me think twice about the topic).

From Unconditional parenting, Alfie Kohn:

My 18 month old KNOWS that smacking is wrong. I will not tolerate him hitting me.

His is not frustration but testing his boundaries. He will smack you and wait for a reaction. You can just see it!

There is def a fine line between letting your kids rule you and normal toddler behavior. It's trying to find that balance so we don't end like with disrespectful, mean spirited, depressed, self loathing kids then adults in later life!

Yikes! And staying calm is definitely the best but can be so HARD sometimes.

I almost wanted to leave Jade in Woolies a few weeks back. Little shit (I mean that witht the utmost love for my little girl) really worked me up! And over her stupid freaking dummy which is no longer! Woohoo!!!!

Personally I would never shame my one year old for behaviour she is not physically able to control yet. I will not shame my 2 year old for farting, so why would I shame a one year old for not having the correct skills for expressing frustration?

That does not mean that I will not use the incident as a lesson to teach the correct behaviour. However I will not punish my child by withhelding my love (by removing myself from his space). I would rather use the incident to teach my child the correct behaviour and then gives him a choice of possible solutions for a next time.

Personally I have come to realise that we sometimes have no idea what is age apropriate behaviour for children and then incorrectly punish them for something that they physically or emotionally can't do yet. Sure, give the guidance, but don't punish a blind person for not being able to spot the difference between a red and green light.

I have been starting to put myself more in my LO shoes, trying to imagine what the world must feel like for her from her perspective. THis has really changed my ideas about parenting without turning me into a permissive parent who lets a child do whatever she wishes for.

This is my approach but I totally respect that parents have different styles as every family is different and so is each child.

I recently stumbled on another method of dealing with tantrums, which I am still waiting to try out on Liam in earnest.

It is probably an age old "remedy", yet not as commonly bandies about as the ignoring method - called Holding time.

When LO is in a terrific froth, bear hug him and force him to stay in your arms, basically pinning him to your body, he will go thru various degrees of anger, and tears and screaming and fighting, so it takes strength and perserverance.
But while doing this you need to gently and calming say things like "I know you are frustrated and mommy will help you cope with that once you have calmed down" or " your feelings are very strong right now, let mommy help you take control of them" etc.

I have spoken to someone who did this with her daughter and she says that her 11 year old daughter will still come to her and say "Mommy, something is not right, please hold me and help me thru it"

As I said, I still need to try it out, but now the little monkey has decided on other forms of manipulation to get his way - we have not had a serious tantrum for about 2 months

Try this: Bend down to his level, look in him in the eye and in a very low tone (all about the tone here ladies), slowly tell him that is not ok and hold his gaze for a few seconds staring at him like it is nobody's business, then get up and walk away.

He stands there and hangs his head in shame.

I leave him for a bit, then come behind him and kiss him and tell him even though his behavior is ugly I love him!

Moment over and he and I move on.

He hardly ever hits me but DH on the other hand gets klapped all time.

The first 2 years of life is extremely important in child's emotional development for the rest of his life. In the first 2 years they build a bond of trust with their parents. They still see themselves as "part of you" to up to about 2 years of age and not as seperate beings. Only at around age 2 they realise they are seperate from you.
They form a picture of the world in this time. If their caretakers abandon them for expressing dificult emotions (becuase they haven't learned the skills yet how to do this correctly), they will conclude that the world is not a good place and worst of all the people they depend on for survival is not on their side. Not a great start.

Therefore I would not recomend "abandoning" your child while removing your love from the situation when your child probably need you most.

My LO also went through the hitting in the face stage. Other moms all recomended that I should be firm and be strict and make sure that the child knows his behaviour is unacceptable. They also recomended that I leave the child if she does the hitting in the face. I tried this method for a while and honestly it made it worse.
She loved the reaction she got when I sounded "firm" although I wasn't shouting.
I was upset when she hit me and she picked up on this.

Then I tried a different approach. When she would hit me. I would stay really calm.
I wasn't personally offended when she hit me, because I realised her behaviour is totally normal and it is not some vengence against me personally. She is collecting data about "cause and effect" but hasn't really learned how to do it apprioriately.
I very calmly told her that we don't hit people but touch them softly, while stroking her arm. I would move away only enough distance so that she could not reach me again to hit. I would stay with her and distract her with something else. I would give her an alternative, like if she is feeling frustrated, she could hit the bed or the pillow. This method turned out to work much better for us than the former and
was respectful of her as a person.

For a first time parent all of this is really difficult, you are not alone!