How do I develop a thicker skin?

Claudia, Vamo thank you so much for your replies. They really have made me feel better.
I guess the whole experience was the perfect storm of pregnancy hormones, complete shock that my son could be aggressive like that, compounded by the lack of understanding and quick judgement of the other women.
I really need to not to take things so seriously!
I also learned another important lesson (which is kind of what you said, Claudia)... to never ever judge other woman's parenting technique. None of us have all the answers and we're all just doing the best we can.

Justine, I agree with the others. Unfortunately our society is very adult centric and a lot of people expect children to behave like adults before its developmentally appropriate.
I was at a baby shower on the weekend and some of my friends (yes my friends...)were talking about another mom who wasnt at the shower. This other mom has a 2 year old little girl that is also quite agressive in trying to get what she wants. They were moaning that she isnt "disciplined" appropriately and that she needs a good hiding. I know the mom and I also think her older kids are really respectful and well behaved, so she must have done something right (she has 4 kids). I think people really need to understand that children arent bullies because they are bad, but because they are egocentric and are unable to understand that others feel pain or sadness plus they are unable to express their frustrations and emotions adequately.

Just a note, my little boy is generally quite gentle, but when he does hit/pinch either me/hubby or our dogs, I take his hands and say soft touch james, that hurts mommy/daddy/luna etc.. and then touch gently. If he is having a temper tantrum I try to verbalise his feelings (I know you are sad/angry, let mommy help you/lets play with the......(distraction))

Those "Desperate Housewives from Westeria Lane" have already made up their minds about you and there isn't much you can do. I don't think your son is an issue here, I think its you! You will be suprised that some grown-ups do behave like insecure kids who have made conclusion about the new kid on the block before even getting to know her.

I am just glad that you have removed your Ben from that class. The behavior he is depicting is pretty normal for kids around his age! Surely if they can be around my son, they will swear he is possed! **yesterday he peed on my neighbours leg while I was walking her out**

Some mothers forget that not all of us can be SAHM and be present in all our kids' classes.

justine, I found that the frustration peaked with my LG between 19 - 23 months. It is really getting better as she is learning to speak more and more able to express herself. In that period she had about 3 tantrums on the floor per day, as now she hasn't had one in weeks.

Look out for signs for frustrations/overstimulation and try to ease the situation if possible.

I read the other day that a 2 year old sees an object/toy as part of their body (like an arm or leg) and finds it difficult to share because of this viewpoint. Gradually they start to realise that objects are not part of themselves, therefore grabbing toys from other kids are normal behaviour. Calmly explain (not a long essay) why it's not okay to grab a toy and offer a distraction perhaps.

These are really difficult times and even more so if one is not educated as to what to expect in this phase.

Hope it goes well with the new group. xx

Julz and Gloeiwurmpie, thanks for the replies and reassurance.

I think Julz, your comment about these sorts of groups being quite close and therefore it needing time to 'fit in' is probably spot on. Gloeiwurmpie, your 'blender' comment is a good analogy!
Im sorry for my nanny mostly, as a quiet, shy, nanny from a poor background in Khayelitsha wouldnt have had anything in common with this group.
We've moved to another day, lets hope another group will be a bit more welcoming.
Lets also hope that this phase doesnt last till 36 months!

Thanks again,
Justine

Justine, it breaks my heart to hear how your family has been treated.

I can imagine that you can't get this out of your mind. And yes, I do think your boy has been wronged by the sounds of things.

Kicking, biting, hitting, throwing things are very very normal behaviour for a child 18 months - 36 months old. Some do it more than others and maybe that creates an illusion that some mothers think that "they must be doing something more right than the other moms who's kids behave like that". Sure, I won't like it if another young todler bites my child, but I will not be rude to the child or mother. That is not cool.
If you don't want your child to get hit/bitten by other kids, don't expose him to toddlers who are at the age of doing that.

The fact that the leader confirmed that his behaviour is normal should be reassuring as well. But, if you do fear that the behaviour is really extreme, a bit of play therapy might help. I have read in ALL books etc that it so normal for them to behave like this at this age. They don't have the comunication skills yet to articulate complex emotions.

I read somewhere that a 2 year old is like a blender running on full speed with the lid open.

It really saddens me to hear other moms treated you and your nanny and son like this.

Okay where to start.

Firstly your feelings are justified for sure.

These groups are pretty close and it may take time to be accepted but the others. You are there for your son so try not to let the other women get to you which is easier said then done.

As for the behaviour, this is normal for many kids and I am glad the teacher put your mind at ease (well sort of). Dylan is the same. He will walk up to a kid twice his age and take a toy away etc. He will settle down.

Thick skin comes with age. You eventually get to a place where life is just to short to worry about what others think. If only we could realise this sooner hey.

I think it is awesome that you made an effort to go to the class with your son so next time go and enjoy the time. Ignore the other moms.