Discipline

Hi Marthinab,

What age is your little one if I may ask?

I totally agree with you that each child is different and does not respond the same to different methods. However I do think there are some fundamentals that are important in the way you guide children in discipline that does not rely on a specific approach. I think that most things on the list previously posted apply to all children.

If you are interested in learning more about different approaches for different temperaments for children, you can read "evergreen parenting" by Hettie Britz which explains different approaches for different personalities. I don't however agree with all her approaches, but her general explanations were very informative.
see: www.kalahari.com/books/Growing-kids-with...er/632/33220033.aspx

After following the list posted earlier since infancy I can say that everything we invested up to now (she just turned 4 - we survived the "Three's!! )
is starting to bear fruit. It is amazing to see that everything I hammered on earlier she is starting to do spontaneously now. She is looking for solutions herself if I tell her that something is not appropriate. She speaks about her emotions freely and accurately. She understands that if she makes a mess, by throwing her bath sponge angrily out of the bath (refusing to wash) she has to clean up the puddles of water herself (showing that she is beginning to understand the idea of making ammends). She is showing signs of "climbing the anger ladder" and is able to rather kick the wall or her bed if she is angry rather than her parents!

And yes, as you say, your methods do change as they age - therefore being educated as to what they are capable of a certain developmental stage is crucial in my opinion. Using distraction with younger child can be gradually lessened as you can start to reason more effectively with an older pre-schooler (however redirection is solid gold for us).

Thank you.
I have obviously not heard about this before. From what I have read so far, some of the things Alfie Kohn mentions is sort of natural behaviour I think.
This is something new ill have to think and read about. At this stage, this is just another method for me. (because I don't know much yet, just giving it a name)
I do wonder however, that each child is different, so wouldn't different methods apply to different children? Something might work now, but as they grow, things change, situations change, so would the methods?

T

For those who have more time on their hands ....This elaborates further about using rewards.

www.alfiekohn.org/teaching/pbracwak.htm

Excuse my enthusiasm, but I love talking about this!!

I find this article by Alfie Kohn handy in explaining the trap of praise and reward:

www.alfiekohn.org/parenting/gj.htm

In short the alternatives to using praise when a child displays good behaviour while rather using encouragement to instill a love of internal motivation for the child (which leads to good self-esteem and true responsibility):

And what can we say when kids just do something impressive? Consider three possible responses:

* Say nothing. Some people insist a helpful act must be "reinforced" because, secretly or unconsciously, they believe it was a fluke. If children are basically evil, then they have to be given an artificial reason for being nice (namely, to get a verbal reward). But if that cynicism is unfounded – and a lot of research suggests that it is – then praise may not be necessary.

* Say what you saw. A simple, evaluation-free statement ("You put your shoes on by yourself" or even just "You did it") tells your child that you noticed. It also lets her take pride in what she did. In other cases, a more elaborate description may make sense. If your child draws a picture, you might provide feedback – not judgment – about what you noticed: "This mountain is huge!" "Boy, you sure used a lot of purple today!"

If a child does something caring or generous, you might gently draw his attention to the effect of his action on the other person: "Look at Abigail’s face! She seems pretty happy now that you gave her some of your snack." This is completely different from praise, where the emphasis is on how you feel about her sharing

* Talk less, ask more. Even better than descriptions are questions. Why tell him what part of his drawing impressed you when you can ask him what he likes best about it? Asking "What was the hardest part to draw?" or "How did you figure out how to make the feet the right size?" is likely to nourish his interest in drawing. Saying "Good job!", as we’ve seen, may have exactly the opposite effect.

This doesn’t mean that all compliments, all thank-you’s, all expressions of delight are harmful. We need to consider our motives for what we say (a genuine expression of enthusiasm is better than a desire to manipulate the child’s future behavior) as well as the actual effects of doing so. Are our reactions helping the child to feel a sense of control over her life -- or to constantly look to us for approval? Are they helping her to become more excited about what she’s doing in its own right – or turning it into something she just wants to get through in order to receive a pat on the head

It’s not a matter of memorizing a new script, but of keeping in mind our long-term goals for our children and watching for the effects of what we say. The bad news is that the use of positive reinforcement really isn’t so positive. The good news is that you don’t have to evaluate in order to encourage.

THis article also has great ideas for positive encouragement instead of just using normal praise:

www.ahaparenting.com/_blog/Parenting_Blo...Instead_of_Praising/

Hi

I do agree completely with Gloewurpie having worked in early years for 16year overseas and here I can say this is the best way to deal with children. Do not look it as discipline children have to learn how to act in the adult world. And I believe that positive re-enforcement and praise is vital as part of development is to please there parents not to much that is true has having a yes environment and saying well done is a great thing for children.they just still trying to find out how the world works.My little boy is a very busy little one that if he is not outside he will start displaying challenging behaviour. If a child is always being told off for not listening if he does a nice pictures or play nicely with his friends it is vital to acknowledge this

Here are a few pointers that I keep in mind when I discipline my child:

Maintain a positive relationship
Use empathy and respect
Research positive discipline
Understand the unmet need
Work out a solution together
Be proactive
Understand the child's developmental abilities
Create a "yes" environment
Discipline through play
Change things up
State facts rather than making demands
Avoid labeling
Make requests in the affirmative
Allow natural consequences
Use care when offering praise
Use time-in rather than time-out
Use time-in as a parent, too
Talk to a child before intervening
Don't force apologies
Comfort the hurt child first
Offer choices
Be sensitive to strong emotions
Consider carefully before imposing the parent's will
Use logical consequences sparingly and with compassion
Use incentives creatively with older children

Hi MarthinaB,

Welcome to moomie!!

To answer your question. No, I don't reward good behaviour. I might say thank you or point out a good choice she made, but I won't make a big fuss of it. I am not a fan of "praising". Alfie Kohn has written a lot about the damages of using praise as a form of discipline. The reason for that is that children should learn to make the right choice for themselves and not to "please" another person. Over praising results in a personality that results in people pleasing. However if she did make a really good choice, like the other day she found a solution herself after wanting to paste feathers and stickers on one of her toys, I told her "You must be so proud of yourself for finding a solution". I stay away from words like "I am proud of you" because I believe that it is more important for her to be proud of herself than her trying to make me proud of her.

There is so much information about using positive discipline, which doesn't include "praising" as a form of discipline.

Hope this helps!!