file VERY FRUSTRATED WITH TODDLER

13 years 1 month ago #242128 by Huggles
Replied by Huggles on topic VERY FRUSTRATED WITH TODDLER
What Gloei said above (3 months ago) about FIRST acknowledging their emotion is so important.
I've found with my 22 month old son as soon as he starts tantruming for something I get down on my haunches, look him in the eye, usually with my arms around him or outstretched toward him, and say "I know you're frustrated, I know you want xyz, but....." and then I explain why he can't have it.

And just last night he was tantruming about something and I kept saying "I know you want more toothpaste but I said no, you've had enough you don't need more" and he kept on and on. Eventually I realised I hadn't yet acknowledged how he was feeling so I then said "I know you're upset, I know you're frustrated. You want more toothpaste and I said no." and then I explained again why i'd said no and literally before i'd even stopped talking he totally stopped the tantrum and started talking about something completely different. It's like he was just waiting for me to acknowledge that he was upset.

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13 years 1 month ago #242118 by gloeiwurmpie
Replied by gloeiwurmpie on topic VERY FRUSTRATED WITH TODDLER
Bandile, I can second what JoyP is saying. Just hang in there. I now realise that it was totally ridiculous of me to think a 3 year old can follow instructions. Wha ha ha.
Seriously, it will pass. We still have tough moments with my 4 year old, but I can start to reason with her and she is more able to control her emotions. I wish I was more relaxed with her when she was 3! We regularly got into power struggles - it is such a waste of time and it damages the relationship.

I would suggest you walk away for a few moments when things get too much and breathe deeply! (Really, don't skip the breathing - it helps!)

Best of luck, soon you will be saying the same thing to other moms on the forum who talks about their difficult 3 year olds.

The "threes" have been hands down the most difficult with regards to tantrums for us!!

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13 years 1 month ago #242092 by JoyP
Replied by JoyP on topic VERY FRUSTRATED WITH TODDLER
Bandile I know where you coming from with regard to your daughter having u in tears.

Thiyara until about a month back was a very moody and TTT "Tantrum Throwing Toddler'.. Everything had to be done in her time and the way she wants its done. It became so bad that I dreaded waking her up for school in the mornings.

Things has drastically changed, which I am so grateful for. I guess its a phase they go thru....Terrible Two's lasted till 4 years though :ohmy:

She is now such a pleasant, co-operative little girl who wakes up with a smile and we get ready for school in 30minutes.......Compared to nearly an hour. Brushing teeth is still an obstacle Im battling to overcome.

All I can say is hang in there, things are bound to improve.

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13 years 1 month ago #242063 by bandile
Replied by bandile on topic VERY FRUSTRATED WITH TODDLER
I have the same with my 3 yr old daughter. she literally puts me into tears at times with her tantrums. she is very stubborn, she frustrates me so much, especially in the mornings, bath times are always an invitations to fights.

I really do try not to loose my temper with her, but almost all the time, I do and end up smacking her and I would feel so guilty afterwards , as I really do not want to raise both my kids using such punishment for them. I don't want them growing up fearing me but to respect me.

After reading all you ladies Posts, I do realize now that its a seeking "Mommy Attention "behavior. I also realize, I would first have to change my behavior and give both of my kids more attention. I do hope its a phase that she will grow out of.

Being a Parent is Hard!
:)

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13 years 4 months ago - 13 years 4 months ago #238555 by gloeiwurmpie
Replied by gloeiwurmpie on topic Re: VERY FRUSTRATED WITH TODDLER
Hi Abigail,

My LG just turned 4 and I can honestly say that nothing prepared me for a 3 year old!!
3 Year olds are known to push buttons in adults. The tantrums we experienced in the threes were much more intense than the "terrible twos"!

I think it is wonderful that you asked your child what is bothering her. I am often surprised that my own child can accurately give the answer to something that is bothering her, although younger children struggle with this.

Your little girl said:

When I ask her why she's being ugly to mommy she says because you're not listening to me!!


When she has a tantrum (usually when what she wants does not align with your needs) do you first acknowledge her frustrations/anger/sadness in a sensitive manner FIRST? Or do you start explaining why she can't do or have x,y,z? Spending the time to really listen to why she is sad etc is crucial to her being allowed to have feelings and that her needs matter (even if she can't have them fullfilled). If you skip this step a tantrum can really last a long time. I am not saying if you listen to her first she is going to stop crying right away but she will be able to get over it quicker and she will feel as if you care about her needs.

If you start to really listen to her needs I am very sure that she will start to listen to you more as well.

Marijke's suggestions are brilliant. I find that 90% of the time they misbehave when the "love tank" is not full. Spending the time to really connect with your child regularly daily makes a world of difference. Making sure you don't allow any distractions in your "Special time" is vital - no phonecalls etc!!!

A connected child is much easier to discipline compared to one that is not.


A book that I can recommend is:

www.amazon.com/dp/0380811960?tag=yourpar...Book-Recommendations

This book really teach parents how to sensitively listen to your children and avoid screaming, spanking and other punishments.

Hope this helps! xx

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13 years 4 months ago #238526 by Marijke
Replied by Marijke on topic Re: VERY FRUSTRATED WITH TODDLER
I recently 'attended' a webinar by Amy McCready from www.positiveparentingsolutions.com/ it's a free webinar that they offer regularly called How to get your kids to listen without yelling, nagging or reminding (I think it was!)

Anyway, her message is very clear, most issues stem from not having enough one on one time with each parent and she recommends a minimum of 10minutes twice a day per child per parent doing what the child wants to do.

I'm a stay at home mom and I fell into the trap that I'm home all day, at her beck and call for every little thing from putting tricky clothes on her barbie to tying a shoe lace, my goodness I'm paying my dues! Uhm, not so much because there were a lot of time I spent with her one on one (B is 3y10m, her little sister is 6.5m) doing what I wanted to do with her, like building a quick puzzle. And she started showing, in the most unrelated ways, that she wasn't having it!

She suggests setting a timer (10min in the morning, 10 in the evening because their buckets need filling throughout the day) telling the child before hand that their 10min is going to start and they should get whatever it is they want you to do with them (both mom and dad separately) put the timer to one side and focus all your attention for the full 10min. When the timer goes off, explain that you will have another 10min later on that day but that you now have to go on to doing abc, but start explaining this before the 10min start.

This would only be for children over 2 years of age and I would say perhaps more towards 2.5 - 3 years if their language development is still poor
Married for 13 years
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13 years 4 months ago #238494 by Moomie Admin
Replied by Moomie Admin on topic Re: VERY FRUSTRATED WITH TODDLER
Abigail, I spoke to a childcare educator just yesterday. She has developed this new programme for how to deal with your children according to their personality. Each child is different and every parent is different. She might come on board as an expert on Moomie, I am meeting with her on the 26th. I am very excited about that, because we all have the same issues with our children.

However, back to your post... (this is just my own experience, I am no expert)
Do you work? What hours do you work? How long during the day do you see her? What does she try and tell you? I find with my daughter, who is the same age, that when I don't see her a lot, she gets very naughty. I then have to do some "hands free" parenting, where I block out all the rest of the world and only give her attention. We talk about her day, she shows me her art, we jump on the trampoline and then normally she is just the most lovely child in the world. I think they are oftentimes very frustrated because they have to compete in a world that takes all of mommy's attention.

With regards to the dressing, my child dresses herself, because I seriously don't have the energy to fight with her about it. Because if I choose her clothes, she will fight me on what she wants to wear.

We also have a set eat and bath time and she knows it's what we do at that time of the day. Every day is the same. But she also eats herself. I can't force her. I don't give her anything in between, so she is normally hungry and I give her what I know she eats. Children are so full of nonsense at that age.

Huggles, don't worry about the teeth brushing. I literally pinned my son down to brush his teeth. It's non-negotiable. We WILL brush teeth. He has now resigned to the fact it is coming and opens his mouth. It will happen, just keep on doing it. I had to do the same with my daughter and she loves brushing teeth now, so no "scars". Haha! (Four of my friends' kids had to be operated on to pull their teeth out. I am not putting my kids through that if I can avoid it. So brush I will.)
The following user(s) said Thank You: Huggles, elrike02

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