desperately need advice for clingy toddler..please

Shame shez24. I wanted to reply yesterday but Huggles said most of what I wanted to. It is totally normal and especially hard on a child away from parents for such a long time 5 days a week.

B was at daycare from the time she was 15 months for half days. My hardest day with her was in 2011 when the clocks went backwards oversees with an hour. I usually left her at daycare no later than 4, but on this day it was already 5 when I got to her, because my the time on my phone was wrong. On this day it seemed that she just needed that one on one time with me that she didn't get since her father was home already and I had to start dinner, so I kinda pushed her on her father and she pushed all my buttons that day. I couldn't wait for the day to end.

It really is as if they need time to decompress from being at daycare. That said, it does get better over time. Unfortunately it is a combination of them growing up, you knowing when to react and when to just leave it and your patience growing.

What I can offer you is a little bit of advice on when to know when to act. It's actually one of the habits in the book 7 habits of highly effective people by Stephen R Covey. Habit 2: Begin with the end in mind.

Go sit, with pen and paper and write down what you want your child to be like as an adult. Not what you want her to be, but what you want people to see, qualities you want her to poses. For example: I would like my children to be respectful towards all people (not just older people, but especially elders) have compassion etc. Then when you pick up on a certain behaviour, think if this will be helpful in teaching them in the way you want them to go.

For example: B screams at me; big no no. I am an adult and you will show respect. You can disagree, but with respect, no screaming That will lead to being disciplined, if she's just screaming for reaction.
*edited to add: just remember that they also model what they see, in this regard you cannot be a hypocrite, you can't say "Don't scream at me" while screaming at them. They are great models of the saying; you learn what you live*
On the other hand, perhaps she's throwing a tantrum because she doesn't want to wear what I want her to wear; is it worth the fight? What am I teaching her by not giving in ~ that I'm better at fashion than her? What's the use in that? What am I teaching her by giving in ~ that I trust her judgement and want her to make her own choices perhaps?

For the example above you can limit the conflict by giving two choices, this or this (you choose both but she has some say in what she wears) And for the screaming/moaning/whining example, you can say that you can't hear her if she screams/moans/whines that you only understand her normal voice. They catch on rather quick but you will have to remind them, regularly for a while.

Good luck!

Hi Huggles!

Thank you so much for replying, I appreciate the time you spent to write me such a long one!

It is such a relief to hear that others have gone through a similar thing and that i'm not alone and there isn't something 'wrong' with her. I guess its just a frustrating time for both of us not understanding each other. And now is the time to set boundaries and find a way of disciplining her so she doesn't walk all over me because that is what I think is happening. I don't want to jump at her every cry either because I think she is taking advantage. I'm also sure that the long day away from her is not helping and I agree with you that i need to spend more one on one time with her. i tried to do that this morning, I put her on my lap when she started acting up and got a book and we read for 2 pages and she got upset, took the book and threw it across the room and tried to get me to carry her around again so I don't know if she is tired of the book or was just irritated. I'm already feeling a lot more sane than the last few days as I was also sick with bronchitis and didn't have the energy to put up with her screaming and crying. Ideally I would just love to resign and spend more time with her but these days its impossible to live on one salary unless your hubby is a fancy doctor or lawyer or something. Thanks so much for your post, it really helped me alot.

17 / 18 months is prime time for separation anxiety.
My son got quite sick at 18 months with bronchiolitis and i spent 2 nights sitting on the rocking chair with him so he could sleep because if I tried to lie him down he just coughed non-stop. In the end I discovered (after 2 nights of not sleeping myself) that I could gradually lie down with him still on my chest and he would sleep like that (on my chest), but I could not actually put him down. He would fall asleep with his head on my shoulder, and if I tried to put him down he would wake up instantly, super upset (this was after 3 weeks of finally sleeping through the night). The only way I could get him down was to lie down on my back with him still on my chest, and then wait for him to naturally roll off me. That meant that he was in our bed for 2 weeks because there was simply no way I could get him into his cot.

In the end we bought him a "big boy bed" (normal single bed) and that way I could lie down like that and wait for him to roll off me and onto his own bed. After a week of having to get up countless times in the night to see to him, we finally just moved his bed into our room and squashed it between my side of the bed and the wall. He now sleeps there, and then at some point in the night crawls over and joins us in our bed.

In some ways i love the closeness, in other ways i long for my own space agian. But it has definitely resulted in more rest for all of us.

I was pretty convinced it was due to separation anxiety. I think he has passed that phase now although he is still in our room and still joins us in our bed sometime in the night (he's now 20.5 months). But I also think he feels more secure in this set up. We will move him back to his room at some stage but for now at least I can get some much needed rest whilst still giving him that security and comfort he needs.

Thankfully for me the day never got quite as bad as you describe, but he does frequently want "up" and there have definitely been times when he refuses point blank to go to dh, he just wants me, and he just wants me to carry him. It does get frustrating.
Frequently i use the loo with his sitting on my lap because as you mentioned, he doesn't want to go down.

He is in creche 4 days a week. He's with me at home on a wednesday (I don't work on wednesdays) and weekends, but at creche the other days. I find on the days that I spend a lot of time on my cell phone or laptop (even though i think i'm interacting with him at the same time), he acts up a lot more and "demands" my attention a lot more. The days when i make a point of not using my phone or laptop he is much much better and far more pleasant.

I think it's really hard for them spending so much time away from their parents at creche. Yes, they get on well with the teachers, but it's not mommy. Babies/toddlers have a special bond with their mothers (or some seem to have a closer bond with fathers), and so they really crave that time and closeness.

I do think the phase your daughter is going through will pass.
There are differing opinions on how to deal with it. Some will say to just set boundaries and refuse to pick her up all the time becuase you will "spoil" her etc.
I don't follow that belief at all. I honestly believe that if they are acting out like that they desperately need that closeness and reassurance etc. It won't last forever.
When you can, carry her around. If you can't, what I have found works an absolute charm in the kitchen is our 'steps'. It's a little 2 step plastic ladder thing (not really a ladder, but those 2 step things you buy so you can reach the top shelves of high cupboards). I could never put logan down in the kitchen and that's when i frequently need two hands. We've brought that out and as long as I put him on that so he can see what's happening on counter level, he's quite happy. If he can't see (example what's going on in the pots on the stove), then he asks for up again. But it at least gives me freedom to chop things and pack things and do other stuff in the kitchen.

I am lucky though in that he is usually quite happy to sit on my lap and read a story so that does give me a break from physically carrying him.

What is your morning routine like? And evening?
It sounds like you work really long hours so this might not be possible, but maybe if you could take just 10 min in the morning to play with her. Sit down on the ground and build blocks or whatever else she likes. Say to her at the beginning, "ok, lets sit and build blocks together, and then afterwards mommy needs to get ready for work. You can come and sit on the toilet while i brush my teeth" or something like that. Maybe that one-on-one focused time will help. And something similar in the evenings.

We feel that because we carry them around while we do xyz we are spending time with them, but it's not time focused ON them and i think that is what's important.

I really hope for your sake this phase passes soon because it really does sound like you're taking strain.

Oh, another thing, take 1-2 hours to yourself on a weekend or something. Just go do the shopping and leave her at home with dh. She will cry when you leave, but she will be fine. YOU need a break too every now and then. And it will be good for her and daddy to have some bonding time too.

Hi guys

I seldom post and I do apologize but I just don't have the time as much as I wish I do.

So I hope you don't mind reading my post and giving me some advice. Maybe someone has gone through it as well.

My little girl who is 17.5 months old got tonsillitis over a month ago, I stayed at home with her for 2 days and she slept on my chest non stop. Since then she has become very clingy and has separation anxiety which she never had before. We were having problems as she didn't want to go to bed but that has gotten better as I give her a dolly and a nightlight to comfort her. But I am beside myself as she has changed from being miss independent to extremely clingy. She is at daycare during the day since she was 4 months old but has a long day being dropped off at 7am and picked up at 6pm. She has a lovely relationship with the day mother so I don't think its got to do with daycare. When we get home, she wants me to carry her everywhere, its not enough for her to sit on my lap and read a book, she wants me to pick her up and move around with her. I almost think its so she can see at my level or something because then she points and asks for everything on the counters that she wants, which she cant always have so then she has tantrums and also if we dont understand her. I cant even put her down to go to the toilet or run a bath and she cries and has a tantrum or runs after me begging to be picked up. Sometimes she forgets and gets on with playing with her toys like she used to but then its like she all of a sudden looks at me and remembers she is no longer with me and comes running back to me to be picked up. She seems to have lost interest in her toys and her books even though we have bought her new ones. I'm struggling to set boundaries with her and it feels like she is taking advantage of me and its getting to the point where I'm at breaking point and loosing my temper with her like I have never before like a rage and I feel like an awful mom for behaving like this because I don't want to scream at her anymore, I feel so terrible. This morning she wasn't feeling well but refused to let me change her nappy or give her meds, just wanted me to carry her everywhere and when I got upset, my husband came and shouted at her and she listened to him and stopped and let him change her nappy. What am I doing wrong?? I have read that toddlers go through clingy phases and some sites say you must carry them if they want to be carried and be loving but sometimes I just can't carry her everywhere. Its just gotten too much. I also just had a shoulder op so I can only carry her on one side which frustrates me even more. She is way more clingy with me than my husband and I don't know if its got to do with the fact that I couldn't carry her at all just after I had my shoulder op. I'm just hoping there is light at the end of the tunnel and this is a normal phase. I must mention she is teething bigtime and has pushing through 10 teeth at the same time, all at different stages but surely that's not why she is so clingy?? Is this normal?