Am i being stupid? Be honest

hi all. Newbie here. I'm 33yrs old, married, 1 kid -my 4yr old miracle boy - and have a history of endometriosis. Every year for th past 5 years i make my annual trek 2 th gynae who confirms the excruciating pain, weight gain, ridiculous acne attacks & inability 2 conceive are signs that the endo has returned (unsurprisingly) & will require yet another laparascopy. I can't help but think that so many laps aren't normal & last year's 1 went horribly wrong. Instead of going for a bog standard day procedure, my gynae effed up & i woke up in an ICU. Needless 2say i left my gynae, who has been getting shaky & greedy anyway. For the past year i've been supposed 2b locating another gynae but honestly i'm so fed up and disappointed with my past docs that i just stopped caring. I live in pain every menstrual cycle & subsist on pain meds 2 make it thru. I know the endo is back but i'm scared 2 admit it out aloud 2 any1 especially my husband who desperately wants another baby - i do 2. But i'm afraid of going thru this whole hospital trauma & expense again. I dont want 2 feel like an invalid again 'ag shame she's sick again'. I hate feeling like a failure that i can't pull off a basic human function ie. conceive, but there r so many women that can sneeze & fall pregnant and they don't even want a baby. I don't know what 2 do anymore. I just needed 2 vent. I just want 2 continue 2 live in denial about the endo but now with this WANT 2 have another child, i have 2 face it again. Is it normal 2 feel like this? I feel useless, terrible, sad, angry, scared.