Waiting for that second line

Hi ladies

Oh yes, that terrible let down. The feeling of disappointment SO great that you feel nothing will make it better and yet, AF arrives, tears are shed, emotions run amok, a few days pass and then you pick yourself up, tell yourself that 'Next time. Next month will be different.' Only to feel like a failure month after month.

Oh goodness, ladies. Why is TTC really such an uphill marathon for some people and others simply fall pregnant without even trying or meaning to'?!

Love and baby dust to all.

xx

Pillpusher, you've managed to put words to thoughts that so many women have (or have had in the past). Thank you for sharing. I know all too well what its like to wait for those 2 lines, staring at the HPT as if a 2nd line will magically appear. Hoping after every BFN that the tests are wrong and then the hope that builds up when you think that AF is late. But so far AF always arrived eventually.

Its been more than 19 months of TTC for me. I knew at the start that things might not be easy - have always had a hormone imbalance. But the fact that I've had 1 baby already, had me thinking that maybe it won't be that difficult. I was wrong. Its taking so much longer than I ever anticipated. And each cycle theres that hope that maybe its the last time of going through all this. The side effects of the medication that I've been taking for over a year now; the multitude of aches and pains that go with it.

At least my husband doesn't ask too many questions. Although some days I wish he'd share more of it with me. He doesn't really seem to understand the emotion regarding all this. Perhaps thats just the way men think.

You're right about another thing. The worst place to be is in your head. I've been part of this forum for 8 or 9 months now and can honestly say that it helps a great deal to speak to others who understand the pain. Have a look around - I know there are at least 2 or 3 TTC threads here that are fairly active.

I hope to see you around and hopefully some good news in the not too distant future.

hi pillpusher,

so sorry to hear your story. It is quite heartbreaking to not see the second line, and i agree with you that TTC is the worst time because you literally think everything that happens is one of the symptoms.

Dont you worry, 2015 will be a better year. How long have you been TTCing? join us on the TRYING FOR 2015 BABY post

all the best

It didn't appear. Again. Somehow the actual act of taking the HPT makes the disappointment all the more real as opposed to realising that your period has started when you'd hoped that it wouldn't. There was that hope that the test would confirm what you'd been wishing for, instead of passively waiting for AF, but the lack of that second line just dashed that hope. At least that's how it feels for me. And even though I know that the early stages are associated with varied hCG levels, to continue to hope after the BFN sometimes makes AF's arrival more heartbreaking.
I can't really complain, I only went off the pill last March and I can't say that we've been really trying very hard. But every time my cycle moved past that six week mark there was that glimmer of hope, particularly now when it seemed to have stabilised at 5 weeks for the past four months. It was easier when my husband seemed to forget dates and wasn't starting to wonder when AF would visit, because as soon as he realised that I was late, he started getting hopeful. Then he started pushing me to test, when I didn't want to. I told him I wanted to wait until the coming weekend, he started forcing the issue on Tuesday morning. I told him to let me be. He carried on until I relented and told him to buy a test and that I would test on Thursday (this morning). He wanted me to do it when I got home from work since the packaging said "anytime". I told him that, as the medically trained one in the relationship, I wanted to test at the time when the concentration would be at its highest and stuck to my guns to only test this morning. And then it happened, I had to multiply my own sadness and disappointment by telling him the result.
After doing it again, I decided that I couldn't keep it all in my head anymore. It was time to reach out to other women who might understand how I'm feeling because even the most sensitive men often struggle to understand even the simplest of female emotions, forget the complicated ones. At least when I kept track for myself with him unaware of dates, I could just say that my period had started and that would have been that. But to see the extreme disappointment on his face when I know that despite my cautions he had started to hope, it made it worse. It made it heartbreaking.
The worst place to be when you're TTC is in your own head. Suddenly you notice random things happening in your body because you're hyperalert and you wonder if it's something new, if it's a sign. So I unleash my mental turmoil. My acne break outs, my lower abdominal cramps, my impaired alcohol tolerance and my sore knees. And I await the arrival of AF for yet another cycle.