Passing fears onto our children

Nicolette I read an aritcle that stated that some fears are natural fears for many humans like the fear of bugs and spiders.

I am also calm around Dylan. Partly because I don't want him to be scared of everything and partly because I have learned not to stress about things so some things don't even cross my mind. Neil will point out the danger and I will think, oh yes that isn't good at all. It worried me sometimes!!!

What I do see is that kids will be cautious without being told to be. I sometimes hear Dylan saying "careful Dylan". He also tests his own limits. He will jump from a chair to the couch (I try not to let this happen) and then move the chair back a bit more each time until he gets into trouble. Mom is always nearby, but he generally won't try it again.


Flowergirl like you I also try not to be too overprotective around other kids. Sure when a kid is sitting on your kid bashing your child's head against the floor, you tend to overreact. It has happened to Dylan and the mom was so upset with her child, but mostly a shove or a push are handled well by toddlers themselves.

I've actually been wondering the opposite lately. My daughter is scared of bugs - I'm not, so I wonder where that fear came from. She is also absolutely terrified of the giant on Mickey Mouse. Where does that come from? I was under the impression that fear is a learnt behaviour, but my daughter seems to be showing otherwise.

I am alot more relaxed with Emily than I thought I would be and everyone comments on that. If you told me 2 years ago that I would let my little girl run around with soiled clothes and play in the sand, I would have said: NONSENSE. But now, truth is Emily is ALWAYS dirty and I really don't mind - I let her pretty much do as she pleases as long as she is not in danger. I also sometimes see that she is about to fall, but I don't run (obviously if she is about to fall down the stairs or something equally dangerous, I will be there like flash lightning). And even after she has fallen, I still don't go to her unless she cries. My mom jumps the minute Emily bumps anything and I am trying to "teach" my mom not to, but I know it's instinctual to her. When Em and her cousin fights over a toy, I also don't step in immediately even though he is a bit older and much bigger than her. My reasoning is that I won't always be there to protect her so she needs to learn to defend herself.

It's hard, especially with a girl, but I am doing surprisingly well with it. DH is also quite good at leaving her to sort out her own problems, like when she gets frustrated with a toy because its not doing what she wants it to do, I leave her and let her sort it out herself.

So much little things to think of when parenting = it's exhausting.

Missesmom, I also have that fear of the dark. In the evenings, all the lights in the house has to burn. Its a fear I have had all the years. When I go to bed at night, I leave my curtains open for the street lights to shine through as BF refuses to sleep with the light in. Sadly I have passed that fear on to Jaydon as he also wont go to bed if the light is turned off. Even during the day if the room is slightly dark but you could see well without the light on, he will turn it on just to feel safer.

I think I've very relaxed around Em, cause I know children react to your reactions...

My biggest fear is the dark (and cockroaches, but honestly who actually likes those things)
DH has had to adjust to a wife who cannto sleep in a dark house, but he is determind to make sure Em doesn't have the same fear, so Em's door gets closed at night, so she is in the dark. We go to her as soon as she cries or has an issue, so she knows that there is safety in the house. I hope my girls dont get that fear as I know its my biggest weakness.

I am very relaxed around Skye. I will let her try anything and everything within reason. I will let her climb up the stairs with me right behind her - her look of achievement when she got to the top was worth it I try and put my own feelings aside. My one things is a fear of dogs, not in general, just that they are totally unpredictable. I had a dog fight start on my lap before, so I am super cautious around her and dogs. I will let her play with the dogs, but very quickly find something else for us to do. My hubby thinks I'm too relaxed

This is the one thing I am most concious of purely because I am scared of so many things thanks to my mother. It isn't her fault, she has a neurotic mother (whom I adore), but it is really easy to do the same.

I am scared of falling, heights, spiders, food close to expiry, getting hurt and the list goes on.

I was always told don't do that you will fall so I wouldn't try.

With Dylan I try my best not to give him fears. Fact is that they did a study and there are fears that we as humans have naturally like spiders. I dislike them, but I seriously tolerate them so that Dylan isn't scared of them. He loves them, but won't touch them so he is cautious.

That is what I have discovered. Our kids have their own built in caution. I will sometimes tell Dylan to be careful, but I won't tell him he will fall. Chances are he won't. He is a dare devil of note and I must say that while I am sad that my Mom is in the UK, I am pleased that she isn't near Dylan to pass fears on.

Another example is my mother's fear of driving in a car and trucks around her. She becomes hysterical. It is so bad that I refuse to get in a car with her unless she is driving (she is fine when in control) and I won't have her in the car with Dylan. I refuse to drive her anywhere when she is in SA.

My mom tells me where to work, where to live, to lock the doors, not to drive on the N1 as the side roads are safer. It really is so exhausting. You can imagine what she had to say when I told her I would be working in India!!!!!!

Your fear of birth Flowergirl is very real and could well be due to your mom's lack of encouragement. My mom had a terrible birth with me, yet she was totally supportive of me having natural birth.

What I do know is that your kids need to learn to fall before they learn to walk. It is crucial in development that they are allowed to experiment and to have confidence in themselves. You do this by allowing them to try and fail.

It is the same with the safety of Dylan. Seriously I may be wrong, but I don't worry about him being molested. I do my utmost to protect him, but for years we have been taught that strangers are dangerous when in fact it is people closest to our kids that pose the most danger.

I can't live my life fearing the worst because then I have not lived. I want the same for Dylan.

I still can't walk on a ledge. I can drive over hectic passes which I couldn't do. I can also have a huge spider above my bed for days on end and sleep. Sort of. I have never feared snakes because my Dad took me to see them and he touched them and so could I.

I do believe that you can overcome fear. Sometimes slowly facing them helps and then there are wonderful theraputic aids like hypnosis and cognitive behaviour therapy or psychotherapy.

I think when you understand why you fear something it goes along way to helping.