Part 2. Control-seeking tantrums

These tantrums are a display of power. The child’s brain is not being flooded with stress chemicals that result in intense feelings. Rather, the child is attempting to manipulate you into giving him what he wants. In this case it is important to never give in. If you usually don’t give in, then you are teaching your child that if he behaves in a certain way he could possibly get what he wants, because sometimes it works.

What to do        

First, be absolutely sure that this is not an emotion-induced tantrum. Remain calm and say the word “no” firmly.

Then leave your child to cry. Do not give him an audience; kiss him better; or try to reason or negotiate. If he makes demands (e.g. he shouts at you to give him what he wants) use a calm and quiet tone to state that you will talk with him about it when he speaks to you with a voice as quiet as yours.

Continue with your day until he calms down and uses polite language (e.g. “please”).

Remember that punishment triggers stress hormones in your child. If your parenting style triggers constant feelings of fear or anger in your child, research suggests that the happy hormones in her brain can become blocked, and she can become used to the feelings caused by stress hormones. When a child is constantly disciplined with harsh threats, being roughly handled or being hit, he is more likely to develop mental health problems (see J. Panksepp’s The Archaeology of Mind and Laure E Berk's Child Development).

Keep in mind that a control-seeking tantrum can unravel into an emotion-induced tantrum. If this happens (e.g. when he says “no” he becomes very sad) you will need to send your child the message that you do not respond to his demands, but you do respond to his pain (e.g. his sadness that he won’t be getting something he really wants and his feelings of impotence that he cannot persuade you into giving him something he cannot give himself). - Lauren Bloch