Attention-seeking

Toddlers have an innate need for their caregivers’ constant attention and if you want to lessen attention-demanding behaviour, the key is to provide them with undivided, one-on-one attention as much as you can. I know this sounds difficult and maybe even impossible, but let’s consider the alternative.

Let’s say that you are working on a work presentation and your toddler starts calling your name. At first you barely register his voice, but then the calling gets louder and more demanding. You turn to him and explain calmly that you are working and you return to the task at hand.

At this point your toddler has realised that he will not be getting what Dr. Christopher Green calls “grade A attention”. He then sets forth to acquire the attention he innately feels he needs. When he does not get it, he runs up to you, tugs on your pant leg and repeats, “Mommy, Mommy, Mommy”. When you ask him what he wants, he can’t reply. This is because he doesn’t want anything other than your attention and he will do anything to get it. And for a toddler, negative angry attention is better than no attention at all.

So eventually he will throw things on the floor, or pull the cord of your laptop or behave in a way that will make you want to shout, yell or punish him. And voila! He has achieved it! He has your undivided attention again. It may not be the kind of attention he wanted, but punishment is less painful to a child than being ignored.

Solution

If you have to bring your work home with you while your child is around, then you will need to learn how to multi-task. So, if we return to the previous example - when the mother first realizes that her child is calling her name, she needs to learn to respond to him immediately and with the best attention she can provide. She should stop typing, look him in the eyes with a big smile and say, “Yes my love? Oh! Are you building a castle? That’s so fun!” and then return to the task.

Of course he will demand the attention again, and again you should look up, give him eye contact and provide more genuine attention. For most children this will be enough to prevent it spiralling into bad behaviour. Providing this kind of attention is tiring and difficult, but the truth is, you are going to be exhausted at the end of the day either way. At least this way you are preserving the happiness of your child and your relationship with him. - Lauren Bloch.