By Jan de Lange

The arrival of your second newborn will be a markedly different experience from the first child. When having your first child, the focus is predominantly on learning how to care for and sometimes just keep them alive. It’s not unusual to have some concerns over how your first child will respond to the arrival of their new sibling. It’s normal for there to be a change in the family dynamic when it’s joined by a new family member. The demands of a newborn can provoke some jealousy, causing older siblings to act out. Preparing them for these increased demands from a new family member can be a great help in preserving a healthy family dynamic.

While you’re pregnant

Giving your older kids lots of time to get used to the idea of being joined by a new sibling is considered the best approach. Change can take time to adapt to for anyone, and young children need plenty of it. A good time to start talking about it is as soon as the baby starts to show. If mom has severe morning sickness though – making clear that there is something going on – it might be worth telling the kids earlier on. Make clear that this new arrival is a good thing. Discuss some of the perks of having a new baby in the house: someone new to spend time with, to see developing, to see growing, to teach and to eventually befriend. 

Bringing baby home

As the due date draws near, talk to your older child about what to expect. Go over the plans for your birth: when you’re going to the hospital, who’s going to look after them while you’re giving birth, under which conditions they might sleep over and when you’ll see them again once baby’s born. Let your eldest be the first member of the family to meet the new baby. You can even let them choose a present for their new sibling and have something ready for your eldest that the new baby will “give” to them. The arrival of a new family member is cause for celebration so be sure to inspire a festive atmosphere.

Adapting to life with baby

In the process of adjusting to a new presence at home, don’t be surprised – and especially don’t get angry or upset – to see your older child show some signs of regression. They may ask to drink from the bottle or want to nurse from you again. They may have some bathroom-type accidents, a return to some baby talk or even wanting to sleep in the cot (especially if they “had it first”). These are expressions of anxiety over the monumental change all of your lives are undergoing. Give tons of love and when they behave like a “big boy/girl” be extra appreciative. The anxiety will pass once they see that the change they are experiencing is a good one.

Involve your older kids by having them help you with some baby related tasks. They can help you choose clothes for baby, help you dress baby, bring fresh nappies and remove dirty ones, help cuddle when you put baby down for a nap and even sing to baby. Set aside some special time with your older child and maybe even find an activity just for the two of you. If you happen to do this during baby’s nap times – putting her down for a nap before spending time together could be a lovely shared activity – see if your partner can be on standby in case baby wakes up.

At all stages – pregnancy, upon arrival and through the adjustment period – the important thing is to help your older child feel loved and safe. They will still have anxieties and may even still act out a bit but with a net of love and safety they will get through it well bonded to their new sibling.