Gentle discipline focuses on helping children work through difficult emotions and frustration in a supportive, respectful and empathetic environment and using discipline as a way of teaching children instead of punishing them when they misbehave and rewarding them for good behavior. Research shows that children learn best when they feel heard and valued, not when they feel on the defensive.
What do you do when you've tried being a patient, loving, caring parent, and your child still just acts out?
Acting out is a sign that your child needs help in dealing with a certain emotion that’s causing their misbehavior.
What’s the solution?
Empathize
Ask yourself the following: “Don't my child deserve the same respect and empathy that I want for myself?” This is the heart of Gentle Discipline, to guide with empathy and respect. Children learn empathy by experiencing it from others. Acknowledge your child’s feelings.
Give your child words to express how he/she feels
For example: “You’re mad because your brother used your crayons!” This is the first step in helping your child in learning to manage the emotions that they feel because you are linking an emotion with a word.
Remember that little ones can't differentiate between their emotions and their "selves."
Accept your child’s emotions, rather than denying or diminishing them. It can give your child the impression that some feelings are unacceptable or shameful. Steady denial of feelings can confuse and provoke a child. It can also teach them not to trust their own feelings. Examples of denying a child’s feelings:
- “It is so cold outside, how can you be hot!”
- “How can you still be hungry, you just ate!”
- “You can’t still be tired, you just had a nap!”
Rather teach your child that ALL feelings are understandable and part of being human, even while actions must be limited. What does that mean? For example, "You feel so angry at your brother for pushing you! That hurt! We don't hit, but let's tell him in words that he isn't to hurt you."
Look for the needs behind feelings
Troubling emotions signal a need. Denying or ignoring the feelings doesn't get rid of the need, or the feeling. Repressed feelings can pop out very unexpectedly and uncontrolled, for instance when your otherwise well-behaved toddler hits her little brother.
Here are some examples of addressing the need:
Connection: “Having a new baby brother is exciting but he takes a lot of time from mommy and that might upset you. Mommy will read you a story every day when your brother goes to sleep.”
Self-determination: “I can see you want to dress yourself now.”
Sleep: “You’re having a hard time to get up this morning. I think it’s because it’s still dark and cold outside and that makes you just want to sleep a little longer. Maybe we should snuggle on the couch for a few minutes.”
When a desire can't be granted, acknowledge it and grant it through wish fulfillment:
“You wish you could have some ice-cream. I bet you could eat the entire tub of ice-cream right now!” Then find a way to meet the deeper need: “I think you’re hungry. It’s almost time for dinner but you can’t wait. Let’s find a snack that makes your tummy feel better.”
Welcome your child’s emotions
Yes they might be unpleasant and inconvenient but if you give them the message that emotions are NOT ok, they will just toss them out of their conscious awareness and that is when they start acting out the emotion. Dr Laura Markham – clinical psychologist and parenting expert explains, “Often, a child who is doing things he knows he shouldn’t is begging us to help him with feelings he can't manage.
So when he “acts out,” go ahead and set a firm, kind, limit: “No biting!” You might say firmly, as you look him in the eye. If he dissolves in tears, great. He might just need a good cry. Or he might erupt into a tantrum, which is nature’s way of helping young children “show us” their emotions. All of us need a witness when we tell our stories, and our children are no different. They want to know we’re there keeping them safe as these feelings swamp them. Sending them to their room gives them the message that emotions aren’t ok, and that they’re all alone with those big, scary feelings. Instead, stay close and tell him you’ll keep him safe while he cries or rages.”
Remember that anger is always a defence against deeper emotions, like fear, hurt or sadness
Acknowledge the anger but then empathize with the deeper emotions and try to address them.
“My usual response to anger and hurting is to either hold or be near my angry child and tell them 'it is ok to be angry but it is not okay to hurt yourself or others' and then I either let them cry on my lap or help them find an activity that will help them feel better (usually a warm bath)”, says Sarah Ashwell.
Don’t be afraid to set limits. All emotions are acceptable, but behaviour must often be limited
Dr Laura Markham explains: “Your young child can’t be expected to know how to manage her way in the world, or even how to manage herself. Naturally, you’ll listen to her opinions and respect her desires. But sometimes, many times, you’ll need to limit or guide her behaviour, because that’s what’s best for her.
Megan Clinton says she does the following: "I can see you are very angry about your toy being broken and understand how hard it is" I hold or stay next to my child as well as the work through the emotion. Will also say it's okay to be angry but I must hold you to keep you and the other child safe" if she wants to hit”
At the end of the day, don’t take it personally, especially when they tell you that they hate you! It’s not about you, it’s about them. All those feelings they struggle to control and their immature ability to understand and express their emotions. When you stay calm when they are so upset, you teach them how to manage their feelings.
To parent perfectly is an illusion. There is no perfect parent and no perfect child.
Additional links: http://www.ahaparenting.com/
Author bio: Juanne Cronjè is a mother of two precious gifts from God. She is very passionate about parenting and reads up on various topics. When she isn’t writing she works in the Financial Sector. Find her here: juanne.riaan@vodamail.co.za or https://www.facebook.com/pages/Researched-and-Informed-Parenting/234828546718236?ref=bookmarks
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