I am thinking of no 2

Thanks Julz and RM - And I am so glad we have some of the moomies on board that we do... I sit on moomie almost every day now haha, because in many ways it feels like this is the only place where I can be me.. If I had to tell my Phsyciatrist I want a baby now... well goodbey to the low dosage of cylift I am on and Helloooo to the stronger ones.. which is not what I want - but at the same time, maybe I should tell her... not sure.

Julz - I am going to google the book now and see where to order or get it from. And what you are explaining is true - I am grasping at anythhing to just flippen fix it, because I feel like I have taken ten years back steps with therapy, and even though I realize that it will get worse before it gets better- well then maybe it is not working, because I feel lower now than I ever have....

I think I also think of having another baby for the purpose of not having to take the medication, not popping pills and smoke like I do - because with Shaun I stopped everything!!! I never popped pills, stopped all medz... and maybe thought I could do it by falling pregnant, as me being simply "me" is not reason enough for me to want to stop.

I am longing for a baby - because it feels as though shaun was never mine to start out with - I crave being that mommy that rocks her child to sleep kind of thing, not your child falling asleep on his own and avoids comfort -

I think I thought by having no 2 now - it would mean a physical fix to my issues, and I would not deal with the emotional as I would be too busy focussing on being and getting PG that there would be little if any time for me - right now I am not enjoying the dealing with me - and even listening to myself makes me damn nauseated as hell -

Rhodine

Yes I read this heading and then read the author and had to do a double take and then I checked the date as it may be an old post but not.

When we are broken we tend to grasp at anything that may make us whole. We use sex, drugs and sadly we use babies.

Please don't remove this thread though as there isn't a single insane one of us that hasn't thought about having a child at the worst possible time and there are women like RM who put themselves out there to help someone like yourself which is amazing and you are doing the same so keep throwing these questions and comments out there and we will be here to support you.

My therapist told me about a book which she says is a must read for anyone who has been abused or for anyone who knows someone who has or for someone that feels that they can't recover.

I though of a few of us here so here it is:

OUT OF THE BLUE Robin Royston and Linda Caine

she says it reads like a novel so it is a good read. Very difficult to read but very uplifting. I have ordered mine.

Oh and being admitted is not a bad idea sometimes. I spent a month in hospital going for daily therapy, occupational therapy etc. I was 18 and it turned my life around.

Rho, you are stronger than you think.

You have already got through so much to just be here.

I know it does not feel like it - but sometimes you do need to pat yourself on the shoulder for the little steps forward you have taken instead of the huge slides backwards.

We are with you Rho, because we see us in you, as you see you in us - we are so similiar in so many ways, and that makes this thread and the other you have started so courageous.

Notice that no one else started a thread about how sh*t they felt - but then you did, and now we have a huge community of girls who can talk about how they feel, so take that as a feather.

We are all on different paths on this road to recovery.

Do not measure where you are by others, you have come further and had more burden on your shoulders, than maybe some of us.

The fact that you get up each day, brush your teeth and face the day in itself can be taken as an achievement!!

Your son is there and he is all yours. A time will come, and no I do not know when it is, when this weight you carry will not seem so heavy, but unfortunately for now it is the one you need to carry.

I do not know why, I cannot fall back on scripture and quote something thought provoking.

Sh&t happens, and we deal with it .... or we don't.

When all is said and done, and the fine quotes of masters that is really it at the end of the day.

<Winter does also make everything worse - the dark and the cold, makes me feel much grimmer than I do in Summer, so don't under estimate how even the weather might be affecting your mood.>

I hope you get through this Rho - you have tons of Moomies here cheering you on ...... you can do this chick xxx

Thank you RM - For understanding and for sharing, I feel totally foolish and so dumb... but I do not care, because Moomie has become the outlet for alot of people to come forward and say it.

And I am sorry for everything that you went through - I value your comments as you have been there, and you are giving me glimpses of what It would be like... might or might not turn out good... chances are taken everyday.. but I need to reconsider my thinking of thinking of it.

Do the ladies here sometimes feel like listening to others issues / problems makes them feel drained? But in a good way? I sometimes do, but I draw alot of strength from reading when someone says : I have been there, this is what happened" even though we are individuals, I think women have the same frame of mind in terms of kids, relationships. EMOTIONS...

MWAH

Rho - please do not apologise, I realy do understand how you are feeling ....

When I was at my lowest, I had just spent a stint at a clinic, I was on so much medication I could barely string a sentence together, and I decided that now was the perfect time to have a baby.

My psyciatrist tried to talk me out of it, DH and I were not talking, so I did not discuss it with him. We were fighting most of the time, it was really "divorce court" stuff.

Any the way, I decided that a new baby was just what I needed.

And then I went along and engineered the entire thing.

Fabulous!!

I was pregnant, I was more depressed than I have ever felt, I was totally totally alone!! And I had masterfully engineered this entire thing.

Brilliant me!

Anyway it was a very difficult pregnancy, DH amd I continued to fight and I was no longer on my meds, so I had severe withdrawals plus I was not coping with anything.

It was the hardest bleakest time of my life! I can't quite explain it without having a good old sob.

Baby was born - and it continued to be a really really difficult year.

In actual fact, I had contemplated various exit strategies from my life, from my relationship and started in a very destructive path.

DH was at his wits end, and he decided the way he could cope was by just not being here.

So I was working a full day, struggling with two children, when I could not cope with one, and I was more unhappy than I can describe.

Yes, it did work out in the end - but I realised that there were things about me that I needed to fix. I got help, and eventually DH and I got on the same page.

However Rho, it could have and it nearly did go another entire way.

So, I do get you - I do.

Thank you Girly

RM - Totally flood gates opened.. I do not know what I am doing - you are right... I am just trying to justify my life, and maybe this baby would be the baby I never had in Shaun..

I am sorry.

Thank you - p.s I am probably going to be admitted soon, coz I am just doing the most insane crap right now trying to fix things that I physically can and where I cant emotionally fix them.

Not too worry.. I think this thread just gave me a moment of saying what was in my heart - compliments to the JHB Zoo and all the pretty preggy ladies I saw there...

I think I will remove this post from here and then go jamble about it on the depression thread... losing it seriously... maybe I am bored or something.