Do you ask, would you tell?

Hi Ladies...

Haven't seen the fb posts yet, but herer's my take on it...

I agree with jul.zd.ylan. Women internalise alot of the disappointment and hurt they're experinecing when TTC even though in some cases DH is extremely supportive.
In my case, we have been married for 3 years with no luck! People are continuously asking "when is the baby coming" and I just laugh it off! Deep down it hurts me like hell to explain, that even though we have been trying, nothing is happening! People who have kids, and have never had any issues with conception, cannot and probably will not understand how heart-breaking it is to see AF arive each month! or to get a -HPT
People ask because they care - but certain topics should not be discussed. Like joo-ste said, if you get an answer you're not comfy with.. what happens to that conversation?

Personal issues like infertility will be discussed with you if the people having the issue would like you to know. If they don't want you to know, they won't tell you - it's as simple as that!

Even though DH and I are now actively TTCing - we haven't mentioned it to any family / friends. My cyber moomies are the only people I feel comfortable talking to, because I know that at some level, many of them understand what it's like to go through what I'm going through. I wouldn't want the added pressure of family and friends asking all the time if we have managed to conceive - especially if I got a BFN! it's heart-breaking enough for me to accept it, let alone explain it to someone else!

Maybe this is just me, but I still break into tears when discussing it! It makes me feel incompetent as a woman not to ba able to conceive, and DH and I have chatted about that as well! He is supportive, but I feel like I'm no good at times, because I can't get my BFP!
Having an "outsidfer" ask those personal questions will just makeme feel worst! ANd I'd rather not explain my feelings to them.

Personally I don't ask if a couple don't have kids - because I know the daily struggles of TTC. It could be personal preference, or it could be a problem. But I am in n o position to judge them - the same way I don't want to be judged.

Each couple has their own issues, and while many women conceive naturally without any issues, they may have other problems we as TTC'ers don't experience / know about.

Being brave enough to ask for help and support of family and friends is something only a few people manage - for everyone else... it's personal. Just keep it that way!

P.S. Sorry for such a long post!

It depends on who it is. Some people like me are not offended by any question really so if you ask me when am I going to have my second, I am going to tell you I can't. You get to then feel awkward but again only if you are the type of person who feels awkward.

I probaby wouldn't ask everyone. There are some people that I can just judge to be able to tolerate such questions. I guess that is where my strenght lies or maybe it is how I ask people questions.

Are you going to have kids is as risky as asking if they have a fertility problem, cause either way they are going to possibly feel judged and that goes for when are you going to have no 2.

I can't. In case you were going to ask.

I must just add that I had fertility problems and was very open about them with close friends and I guess with cyber space after having had a child. I guess I just needed to have some sort of support. Women who go through feritlity issues often go it alone. Sure hubby is part of the event but it is usually the woman who internalises the struggle so tto appear strong and the fact is that we are just not that strong.

Hi there
Sorry for jumping in on your thread...but I agree with you all:
Definately don't ask!

I must however admit...that before DH and I started with our own journey of TTC, I would ask that question to any person married over a year or two! I now feel so ashamed about that and only realised now that it is like actually asking: "So...when do you have sex?" / "do you have problems TTC". It is really NO ones business.

I will never ever ever ask anybody that question EVER again. That ...and...the question about when are you getting married? It is all personal and has nothing to do with anyone. Thinking about it.....what will I do with the answer?? If the couple says...'yes"...we want a family, but are only planning on stopping BCP next month and then we are going to give it our all". What on earth do I want to do with that answer?? Check up on her every month to see how successful they have been. Nope...there is NO reason for anyone to know the answer to that question.

If I want for people to know that I am batteling...I will tell them. If I need support and understanding about this...I will tell them. If I keep it to myself...it means that I prefer it that way and cope best with it that way.

1st Timer: I really applaud you for discussing it with your family / friends. After nearly 3 years, I still can't. I have a handful of friends (living very far away from me) that knows, but now one else. It is so hard going through the dissapointment month after month...I definately do not want to deal with my family's questions and concerns as well (knowing them very well...they will prompt me every month to find out whether we are pg.....BRRRR...won't be able to cope with that).

I don't ask. It is completely none of anyone's business if a couple want kids or not and it is even less anyone's business how they plan to conceive it.

However - I personally am very open about my fertility issues with friends and family. It's very common to have issues these days and there's a lot of blame that gets thrown around by people that aren't informed. I went through my first conception and pregnancy alone (well aside from dh of course) and have no intention of letting any of my friends or family go through the same. Having a fertility problem is nothing to be ashamed of.

I agree, you don't ask that kind of thing. Like one lady on fb said, if you where good friends, she would have told you if she had the urge to talk to a close friends. Until then, you just keep your mouth shut and be a good friend in case she needs you.

You definitely don't ask, especially not the way the lady on FB posed the question. It is a personal matter between husband and wife and really doesn't have anything to do with anyone.

We are married 7 years going on 8 this year and nobody needs to know about our fertility struggles the past 2 years. It is really insensitive, plus, some people just don't want kids.

Interesting topic. A lot of afrikaans which I have to read a bit slowly.
But what I find most interesting is that DH and I were married for 7 years before we decided to TTC. Since we got married at 21, that made us 28 when we conceived.

I guess the appropriate thing to do is ask if they are wanting a family because as FG says maybe its not on the cards and then it can be cleared up then and there.

I also have close friends who have been on very hard infertility battles who are now left with the option of adoption or IVF. It's an extremely tough road for them and neither decision is ideal for them, but some have made these tough decisions with support of family and friends.
Having said that it's really hard to support someone when you have kids of your own. I just wish there was more I could do to encourage.
I also have a friend who doesnt want any children, and her reasons are extremely personal and valid to her. In the beginning we just didn't grasp it and I think many pushed her for answers, but now that I know them better and their situation and history I feel bad for having made assumptions of my own.