Birthday party etiquette

At Kamilah's creche we are only allowed to send party packs for the children of the class and no family members can attend for the same reason as what has been pointed out before i.e. the creche is a safe place for kids and you never know whose coming to the school during the day. I would also feel very uncomfy if I knew that K was being exposed to strangers as well.

Anywasy for her 1st birthday, I sent out her party packs and cupcakes for the teachers. I did not expect a gift and we received none. Also we are not allowed to send any invites unless the party is a private one. Even then the teachers hands out those invites to the parents themselves so that the kids that are not invited are unaware of it.

We had a private birthday for her at home where I sent out invites to whoever I invited and she received a gift from each and every one that attended. If K is invited to a party we only go if we know the parents and child (that is we spend time together) and then I do bring a gift for the child. If it is Eid, I buy gifts for the children that are closest to me and because its a tradition that I got from my upbringing in Mauritius, I do not expect that a Suth African will now give K a gift if that is not part of their celebration.

I feel a gift is something you give because you want to, not because you feel obligated. When I have a party for one of my children, it is so that they can have friends to share in the day making it special and more fun for them, not to receive gifts. My children do not notice how many presents they get, just how much fun the party is. I teach them that the gift is not important, it is the effort in getting the perfect gift. At Armand's school they have a little party if you send party stuff and make a big fuss of the birthday child. No parents allowed. If one of my children wants a gift for a special friend I get it for them, I do not expect a gift in return, whether it be a Xmas or birthday present.

I am quickly going to add my 5 cents here.

I used to send a gift EVERY TIME I received an "invite to a party at school" - I did it religiously. My son's birthday swung around at the end of the year, and I threw a party at school as I was also throwing a seperate party at home, with cousins and other friends not at teh school.

Less than half the parents sent gifts.

I took it to be either my kid was severely slighted, or that I had misunderstood how it worked and that the feeling is not to send gifts.

I decided to stop sending gifts to school for kids parties at school - if there are 25 kids in a class, that is about R60.00 - R120.00 a gift and gets totally out of hand.

I then thought, okay I will only buy for the boys when it is their party for my son, and for the girls when it was my daughter.

But again I found kids I religiously bought gifts for did not buy for my daughter when it was her birthday.

So again I took it to be the "sign!"

Right now I buy gifts for parties that my kids go to - outside of school, and that is pretty much it. If I throw a party at school then I 'expect' no one to buy a present.

But I agree, I am not sure of what the message is if a school party is held at school you one gets an invitation .... because I sense it as a "hey kids birthday coming up, there will be cake, send a gift..." but until I am super rich again, I am opting out of sending gifts as indiscrimantly as I used to.

I'm butting in out of curiosity... Why send invitations to a party when at school? Surely school implies that the kids are there for a reason (parents working, social interaction, education) and you cant rsvp no because the party is part of the school day???

In my mind an invitation is sent out when you want people to come for something different from routine - ie a party on the weekend, a wedding etc...

Also do some schools allow outside family members to come to the parties??? I think I might have an issue with the school then. What guarantee do I have that "uncle joe" isnt someone who gets off on kids?

Thanks everyone! I had a party for my LG at the creche, just partypacks and cake, and didn't send out invites, as I didn't expect anything in return.
With my LB, I again sent partypacks and cake, but sent invites, to see what would happen.
Out of 20 children, he only got 1 gift, so not really worth the effort of even making invites. I think I need to chat to the creche and just ask them to put some kind of policy in place.
If we are invited to a private party, I feel it is just courtesy to bring a gift, no matter how small.

From what i have seen those that have an invited school party dont expect gifts but they do appreciate a gift so there is no requiremen that you must send a gift - some kids do and some dont and there is no hard feelings or snub because of this. If you want to send a gift do it and if you dont then dont.

There are very few kids that have parties like this and we have to trust that parents have enough integrity not to send invites simply for presents - if their child is having a seperate party I am sure no invites would go out.

The only time when I feel a gift is required is if you actually need to rsvp to attend a private birthday party.

If we receive an invite I send a gift - invite says to me that is their only party. If we dont get an invite I dont send a gift, both from the point of view that we dont know about it but also because I assume the child is having an actual party and if my child is not invited to it then they are not seen as friends so no gift is required.

With my kids I have a home party to which we invite specific friends and gifts are the norm, and I send something to school for the class and there is no invite and no gifts.