Talking about the absent father

Hi Milou,

I'm the result of an absent father who also chose to write me off at the age of 2 yrs and 4 months. I have step brothers and sisters I have never met, but we all live in CT. My twin sister has met one of our step sisters.

How my mother handled the situation was to tell us about him and the kids at age 5. We could only at that age start comprehending the idea. A child's mind is still not "there" yet at that age, so don't push yourself or her. She's aware of him, sees the photos and you talk about him. Do this once a year if so little, but make sure to mention him annually because when I heard about my dad and siblings again 10 years later, it was a masive shock to my system, which I think caused me my 6 months of therapy!

Anyways, slow and steady with it. This man is of no use and not active so why push it in her face the whole time? She has a father who is present, even if she chooses to call him by his name. (that might also be a silent hold-on to the father or to let him understand that he can't take her real father's place, my son does that as well).

My son's father lives in the UK, hasn't seen Seth in 4 yrs, but speaks to him sometimes over the phone. Seth is very much aware of his presence, because Seth chooses to be. If your daughter doesn't seem interested, so be it, let it evolve on her own terms.

I wish you the best!!!

LJ

you i strongly bealive that my daughers will see themselve and understand their dad when they grow up. my daughers speak with daddy on the phone , all empty promises he said he told her straight. i do that to save her , i dont want her to feel bad especially when other kids talk about their dad at school. since she cant understand or see or stop talking about daddy it means she dont get it that daddy doesnt have time for her.

so for me is to covers to protect her feelings until she understand.

Unfortunately by covering for him, you are setting them up for more heartache. My daughter once asked me why her father doesn't love her after he broke the promise to bring her brothers to her 6th birthday party and to buy her a big present. I simply told her that he does love her, but she must remember, even though he is not there, I will always be there no matter what. It was very hard on her, and last year she thanked me for not lying to her. She knew exactly what her father was and not to get her hopes up where he was concerned.

I can so understand choosing to bend the truth to save our children's feelings but I also think that by doing that we are setting ourselves up as a go-between between the children and their father, which just makes it easier for him to duck and dive. My feeling is that as soon as the child is able to talk on the phone that they need to talk to their father - tell him what's happening at school and how they'd like for him to be there etc. I know it seems harsh but at least the 'devoted' father will be facing that devastated child when he lets her down and not a p'd off mother, and that may serve as a 'wake-up call' and if it doesn't then your child will know right off exactly who their father is. Although I haven't tried it for myself I really think protecting our children from that reality is doing them no favours..

Kaylae wrote:

I understand what you are saying Kimber but you should stop covering for him as it hurts to see your kids dissapointed but let them know who trully their dad is cause your lies can catch up with you some day.they may ask "why were you covering for daddy all along,it means you condoned it".My parents divorced and not even once did my mom cover for my dad and we know who he really is and we choose to love him and take him the way he is

Im sorry but i a way i do not agree, how do i tell my sick 2 year old in hospital listen your dad does notwant to be here and that is why he is never around, when she is sitting on my lap scream because she wants her papa? My daughter believed that her dad works far so that he can send money so she can get all she needs.

how do we tell a small child the truth if we know it will break their hearts?

I understand what you are saying Kimber but you should stop covering for him as it hurts to see your kids dissapointed but let them know who trully their dad is cause your lies can catch up with you some day.they may ask "why were you covering for daddy all along,it means you condoned it".My parents divorced and not even once did my mom cover for my dad and we know who he really is and we choose to love him and take him the way he is

you wilma for me to lie is to cover him.

cause my elder will ask me ? mommy i dont think daddy loves us anymore , she told me why does daddy hates them. then i had to cover up and say daddy is very busy he loves you all and when he has time he will see you .

then she says but why did he say he is coming , or buying this and not come. the was a time last year that my daugher was receiving and award for being the best in grade 1 class , and she told her teacher that daddy is coming along with her and she want the teacher to meet him .she came home very happy telling me how she 's gonna introduce daddy to the teacher . i called him and beg him to attend the award and he promise to be there but never pitched up. and my daugher eyes where all over at the school hall. and after the award she ask me why where is dad and he didnt attend , and there i was again covers with lies for him.