Here she shares her and her husband, Paul's, heart breaking story of their stillborn baby. We are publishing it as she wrote and thanks Salemein for being so brave to speak out for all moms who have lost babies. Here is her story on our forum as well, if you want to talk to her.
A beautiful baby boy
"I found out that we are expecting our baby on the 25th of March 2016. I was over the moon, soon after finding out the morning sickness started and as terrible as it was I kept telling myself that it is okay because it only means that everything is going well. On the 3rd of May 2016 we got to see our peanut for the first time and I thought that my heart was going to swell out of my chest, there were no words to describe this feeling. My doctor was happy and we were both healthy. On the 19th Of August at 26 weeks we found out that we will be having a little boy, just like we wanted."
Maternity leave and excitement
Everything went so perfectly, we named him Kian (God is gracious). I went on maternity leave on the 10th of November 2016 at 38 weeks, so happy and relaxed. I did a few things that day like getting the car washed ect. and had a doctor’s appointment that afternoon. He did his examination (but not a scan) and was happy, I told him that I was experiencing some pain in my lower abdomen and he assured me that it was because Kian was moving down into my birth canal. Two hours later at home I noticed light spotting and called the doctor. I was not stressed because of everything I read this is normal, this is my show. This is it we are having a baby and in a few days he will be coming home, my excitement was endless."
No heart beat
"The doctor said we should go to hospital so they can just make sure there is no infection. We got to the hospital and they send us to the maternity ward. So the first nurse comes and starts searching for the heartbeat, but nothing. So she gets two more nurses to try and still nothing. My heart dropped, their machines must be broken because this cannot be. They tell us that they are getting a doctor to come and do a sonar."
Waiting for news
"We waited about an hour for this doctor to see us, he does the sonar but does not play us the heartbeat, he tells us to go back to our room and he will call my doctor. That was it, I knew it. Kian was gone but perhaps a miracle and all the equipment was broken. I will never forget the nurse's face when she came into the room and told us how sorry she was but unfortunately they cannot find a heartbeat. My whole world come tumbling down but I still hoped?"
Gave birth to baby Kian
"At about 12am on the 11th of November 2016 I started getting very bad contractions, I was already 6cm dilated. At 2am I was fully dilated and started pushing. Buy 4am this wonderful perfect little baby boy came out. I remember looking at him between my legs and watching his stomach for movement but nothing. Then I started screaming at him to breathe but nothing. Just absolutely nothing and that is when the reality of it all hit me full force. I will not be a mom today. I will not be taking this perfect being home. He is gone! They let us spend about four hours with his body, that's all that we got after nine months of excitement and love - only four hours. We dressed him, got a hand and foot print, he was measured 48cm, and weighed 2.765kg. We took a lot of photos, kissed him and held him and then they came and took him away. My journey as a mother ended."
Salemein bravely answered some of Moomie's questions:
How many days did you have to stay in hospital?
"We went to hospital on the 10th of Nov and I went home on the 12th (only one full day)."
How did you feel afterwards - your body?
"My body felt empty, it literally felt like I lost a limb."
You gave birth, you went through labour - was that at all a kind of "comfort" for you or would you have preferred to have been sedated and/or had a c-section?
"During the labour I was praying that he would come out screaming and alive, the moment he came out I felt empowered just for a split second and then the reality hit me like a ton of bricks. "
You had time to say goodbye to Kian before he was taken away - what did you tell him, what went on in your heart?
"I sang to him (you are my sunshine, something I sang for him during my pregnancy). I kept telling him that it was okay but I think I was trying to reassure myself. While holding him I just tried to feel him against my body as much as possible and to etch his face into my memory, I was wishing that I could turn back time and save him somehow."
Does it at all feel like reality yet to you? Are you still waiting for him to start crying?
"The first few days was the worst when we got home. Everyone kept telling me that once he was there I will have to pack the whole house to just go buy a bread, so then when I just went back to my normal routine of taking my handbag and getting in the car I felt like losing my heart. I just wanted to scream and hit something (I didn’t though). It has sunk in that I will never see him again and although I don’t wait to hear him cry, mayby because I never heard his cry, I do still feel him moving inside me. That’s the worst, when you want to put your hand on him and there is just nothing at all."
Do you have milk? (Lots of times moms still have milk - a very sad and harsh reality and reminder of what could have been). How do/did you manage this?
"My doctor gave me a pill to stop the milk (I felt like a monster when I took it) but there was still some that made me super sad, at my post-partum my doctor gave me anti-depression pills that I drank when I went back to work but that gave me milk again so I stopped using them. It made me very aggressive. I preferred feeling my pain."
Do you know the reason why Kian's heart stopped?
"My doctor said that they think I had a silent placental abruption but that it did not make sense because my blood pressure was normal throughout the pregnancy. I have since started monitoring my blood pressure and it seems that I actually have a lower blood pressure but when I was pregnant it looked normal but was high in comparison to me not being pregnant. I think the possibility of the abruption is good. But this is my personal opinion and not the doctor’s (I think I just really need a reason to help me cope)."
How long did you try to conceive?
"About three months."
Will you try again for a baby?
"I really do want to become pregnant again but we decided not to actively try. We will leave it in God’s hands and it will happen when it does. I do struggle not to obsess about becoming pregnant again and as much as I want it I am scared to death of losing another baby, I don’t think I will survive this again."
How are you remembering Kian? What about your journey is beautiful and can you cling to?
"I got a tattoo for him with a whole meaning. We are also dedicating a wall in our living room to him and we also bought a tree in his honour to grow for him, and I thought that I would bury his ashes under the tree but I just can’t get myself to do that yet."
What - if you had to describe it to someone - breaks your heart the most?
"The dreams we dreamt for him that will never become a reality. Also the thought of how, what, when? Like, would he have loved sports? Would he have been a rebel? Would I have liked his wife? There are so many things that we will never get to experience with him."
How do you feel in a mall or shopping centre?
"I do hate to go to shops, to see the stuff that I would have wanted to buy for him. To see other people with their babies and all these people around me that does not know that I am supposed to be a mother. I just look like any other young woman. The world does not know and I don’t want pity. I just want everyone to know about this perfect angel that was only borrowed to us for such a short time."
Did you take your full maternity leave and did you return to work?
"My boss said that legally I only have six weeks which I took, but I did go into the office half day here and there to keep my mind busy. I am actually supposed to still be on maternity (I would have come back on the 10th of March). The first week back was the worst. I was constantly crying which was why I took the pills. It has since become better but it still difficult to focus on work. What made it even more difficult was that a lady at the office announced her pregnancy and while I am happy for her and hope everything goes well, it is still hard. I think in some ways I am jealous."
Salemein's tattoo is a tattoo of Kian's name, a feather (symbolising freedom - Kian is free) and seven swallows. She explains:
"Seven swallows - together for seven years when we had Kian. The swallows also mean:
1: safety and security
2: provision
3: motherhood and family
4: freedom and independence
5: love and compassion
6: hope and fertility
7: prison (won't be a prisoner of grief)
In ancient times mothers considered swallows sacred as it was thought to carry the souls of their deceased children."