Smacking ........ from the toddler, not the parent

Marijke, I love the way they exlain that. Awesome and true.

When I visited a child psychologist after my little girls operation, the woman said that people can sense whether if your heart rhythm is racing or relaxed for a distance of 5 meters from a person. She said it took them a long time to prove, but they have finally proven it by putting people on heart monitors and testing the effects on other people while the person on the monitor was calm/stressed. Children and dogs who were in a range of 5 meters of this person started to experience the same state as this person, that is their heartrate started to race or slow down depending on the other person. Very interesting stuff. Eversince I have noted that when I am tense and my heart is racing my LG becomes tense as well.

I was wondering if any of you receive these emails from

www.enjoyparenting.com/dailygroove

They arrive in my inbox at just the right time of the day (early afternoon) when I can feel my energy and restraint starting to take a nose dive

Sometimes they are a little huh? and require time to really think through but more often than not they are great light bulb moments or reminders to just stay calm

Here's one of the emails that struck a cord with me a while back:

:: Children ALWAYS Cooperate ::

Parents often feel frustrated when their children
don't "cooperate" -- when they don't go along with the
parents' stated intentions.

Today, no matter how your child behaves, take the
perspective that your child is *always* cooperating
with you -- if not behaviorally then *vibrationally*.
Children sense their parents' "vibes" and reflect back
a similar vibration, often exaggerated in their
behavior.

For example, if your child is impatient, ask
yourself how s/he might be "cooperating" with
you vibrationally. "In what way(s) have *I* been
emanating an impatient vibe?"

If your child is resistant, ask yourself, "Am *I*
being resistant in some way?" Look beyond the
obvious and *feel* for an answer.

Fortunately, it works both ways, so that when you're
feeling joyful, your child will "cooperate" with that,
too. But depending on your established patterns of
interaction, it may take some time for your child's
*behavior* to reflect your positive vibration.

When my LG had her big bladder operation earlier this year she turned into a very unhappy aggressive child once she got home from hospital. It was really a difficult time for me and her. She was about 2,5 years then. She was having violent tantrums while hitting and kicking me almost everyday. It was really rough. I felt so sorry for her because I knew it was the only way for her to comunicate her feelings about the ordeal she has been through. I just let her get it all out (and tried to stay out of the line of fire!)

I encouraged her to hit playdough really hard.
I encouraged her to tear sheets of paper.
I encouraged her to draw violently and fast how angry she feels.
I encouraged her to talk about how she felt.

I thought we would never get over the trauma of the whole operation. But now 3 months later she is totally back to her normal self again. (She was much better already 3 weeks after the operation).

It has just proved to me once again that loving a child and guiding him to explore his emotions is really powerfull stuff. When your child is angry and out of controll, it is the time your child needs you the most. It is the worst time in my opinion to abandon him.

Maribiscuit, I am so getting that blow-up doll for myself! My husband will think I am nuts

Shame, I can't imagine dealing with a 3 year old while being pregnant, don't be too harsh on yourself.

We got a trampoline a year ago and I find that is a great stress reliever when I see a tantrum is on its way. When I see she is about to loose controll I suggest we take a break and read a book together. Distraction still works great even at this age. Music is also very calming when she is about to explode.

Urgh I feel like such a bad mom if I read all your responses! It just feels lately like Migs is out of control and I'm reprimanding her THE WHOLE TIME. Very difficult time! I must admit, since I changed my parenting styles (from loving to supernanny) it seems as if Migs is worse. I don't know, maybe I'm wrong. With all these hormones going through my body I can't seem to think straight

GW, will definitely be getting those books you mentioned..all of them! Hopefully they can be shipped to Aus

I found the blow-up doll at Craze-store..you fill the bottom with water and the top part with air and then if you punch it, it bounces up again Migs LOVES it and lately also tackles it It really does make a difference with her if she plays 'rough' during the day, then it seems as if she doesn't get frustrated as easily.

Flowergirl so glad to hear that it's going so much better with the hitting!!!

Nicole P said:

GW do you think the advice your provided at the beginning of this thread (which is wonderful by the way) applies to my boys age or should I be more strict? I have looked on the internet and they say i need to explain to him, place him in the naughty corner but he does the same thing a little while later. He is a sweet child but when he doesnt get his way well then his temper flies really high.

I have found basically the internet or parenting books generally fall into 2 categories, behaviour modification (authors like James Dobson, supernanny), they rely on using punishments and rewards (often reffered to as the stick or the carrot). This is how you train animals. I don't doubt for one second that these methods work. But to what end? A compliant child who out of fear or out of craving for rewards and love complies with the parent?

The other group falls into "attachment parenting" or unconditional parenting that believes in the importance of fullfulling the child's needs as far as possible. This is not permissive parenting where there are no boundaries. Absolutely not. The basic belief is that you treat your child with the same level of respect you would treat any other adult and that you do not have some "magical" power that you are entitled to use to "get your way". You basically model the behaviour that you want from your child by the example that you set for your child in your relationship with him.

So, therefore if the Internet suggests the naughty corner it is based on a whole philosophy of what you want to achieve in the end. Unfortunately I don't have the time to share all the statistics about the effects of behaviour modification. Alfie Kohn and Thomas Gordon goes into detail about this.

Here is an essay written by Alfie Kohn about Tv shows like "supernanny".

www.alfiekohn.org/parenting/supernanny.htm

I think that if people (especially here in SA, I think we are a bit behind compared to first world countries) knew about more positive ways of parenting, showing that it can be done more people will use this method. I have just spoken to a montesorri teacher who has 3 kids and never punished her children and she says that people are totally dumbstruck to hear about her approach and then the end results (loving, respectful, creative, self-confident kids)!

Okay, so to answer your question, no, I don't think that being more strict will help, in fact it will probably have the opposite effect.
Agressive behaviour is very normal for pre-school kids. Around age 5 they get to controll their emotions better. I think it is vital in these turbulent toddler years that the parent guides the child lovingly to deal with these emotions. If you are really struggling or think that the aggression is out of hand it is a real good idea to speak to a therapist or go for some playtherapy. I would try to find the reason for a child behaving out of control and try to remedy that rather than try to fix just the outward show of the anger.

Hi Sal, like I said earlier, I have the deepest respect for a mom with a baby and toddler! If I may give my opinion, I think it is clear that your child is trying to tell you that he needs more one-on-one time with you. I know this must be difficult or near impossible, but I can garantee you that being more strict, withrawing your presence or love, punishment won't work in the long run. Yeah, sure you can get 'n kid to comply with using fear/punishment/rewards but studies have shown that this parenting style (behaviour modification) does not result in a confident child who is able to controll his own emotions (emotional inteligence, far more important than IQ) and able to problem solve.

Most parenting strategies only aim for getting a compliant child. Seriously, you want a compliant child? Some parents do, don't question me or my authority, I know best, I am the adult! There is also much pressure to compete with other children. From birth a child is programmed to excel and be first in everything. Since when does that make anyone happy?