Moomie did a post here on identifying PND and decided to follow-up with some personal stories of this waking nightmare that so cunningly steals the joy from new parenting.

Sometimes dreams become nightmares

Carla is a first-time mom living in California, where she moved a few years ago from South Africa. She got married and gave birth to a gorgeous baby girl. At the time she was also studying again. “My baby was about nine months old when I realised I may suffer from PND. Although being back in the swing of things at college, I realised it was not just study stress I’m feeling,” she says looking back at those dark days. 

It all started around three months after her little girl was born. She would get crying spells and felt a sense of hopelessness. Initially she brushed it off as missing her home country and missing “my mense”. Surely not PND as she knew she’s not prone to depression and is a very upbeat, positive woman, not letting a bit of adversity ever get her down. But the crying wouldn’t stop. “I felt overwhelmed, and was constantly moody and sad for no reason. Nothing would be wrong, but I would feel so many negative emotions.” And then the feelings of guilt started, causing a roller-coaster of emotions.

"I'm not good enough"

“Thoughts of worthlessness, like I wasn’t a good enough mother, or good enough at anything, really. I felt guilty for things I didn’t do,” she says, after which self-pity would also set in. Then she started to suspect she might be suffering from PND. But she didn’t know all too much about it, and she felt horrible, because did this mean she didn’t love her baby? That she regretted becoming a mother?

Getting out, getting help

“You know what’s really crazy? How I felt everything so intensely, and yet at times I would feel utterly numb. My mind would wander and all of a sudden I would be worried about the birds outside in the rain, the stray cats, things that were going on in the world that were unfair and completely out of my control.”

She took the step of seeking professional help. She was put on medication and started seeing a therapist. “I tried mommy groups, but everyone complaining about the same thing just made me feel like I was sinking deeper into a deep hole of despair.” Carla says the medication took the edge off and helped her hormones get back on track, while talk therapy helped her put into words that which was so hard to explain to herself and to others.

For better or for worse 

“I don’t think my partner was aware for a really long time, mostly because I wasn’t even admitting it to myself. I think he felt helpless. He didn’t understand, but he tried to.” On the question if there’s anything she wishes he did differently, she says it might’ve helped if he had asked her how she was doing more often. “I wish he had acknowledged more how much I really had on my plate. I wish he had listened more instead of trying to offer solutions. PND is hard to understand if you haven’t been through it yourself.”

Although it was a tough time in their relationship, Carla says, if anything, her marriage was a big part of getting her through that tough time.

The sun will shine again, promise

“Some days I still struggle, but I feel much better than before. I started to take some time for myself to do the things I love. I stopped putting so much pressure on myself and let go of the guilt and shame. I write my feelings down now in the form of lists, and taking the time to fully be present. I use social media less. I exercise again. Getting some self-esteem back and realising that I am more than just a mother has helped me tremendously.”

Don’t let the joy be stolen from you! Speak up, and get help. PND is very treatable, but you have to take that first step. Please share with Moomie your personal journey if you suffered from PND, if it can help just even one new mom, we’re starting to win this battle.

– Jana Cloete