Trying for a 2017 Baby

AnzelMama12 wrote: Hi, ladies

Just wanted to give you an update as to how we are doing. It's been a tough few days - Today especially has been rough on me. My heart is really broken - It is such a traumatic experience, trying my best to get through it asap.

If you don't mind, I would like to share my experiences - It helps me to come to terms with what happened. If not, please just skip on along to the next post.

I started have brown spotting the Saturday before Mothers Day, but wasn't too concerned as I read that it is normal during early pregnancy to spot a little. By Monday, however, my symptoms where starting to subside and I started feeling worried. I was supposed to be seven weeks pregnant when I decided to do another Clearblue test - I came back positive, but only 2-3 weeks. I knew then that something was not right. My HCG levels should read at least 3+ weeks for where I was in my pregnancy. I decided then to do another Beta HCG test, which came back at 4575 last Wednesday. I cried the whole day after I got the results, because then I knew for certain something has wrong. It did increase, but not the way it should have increased.

I mailed my gynae and he asked me to come in on Thursday for an ultrasound - We saw the baby and the gestational sac, but it measured six weeks, instead of almost 8 weeks pregnant. There was also no heartbeat. Gynae said that all he could say is that he is seeing a baby and a sac, but that there's no heartbeat. It could be that we calculated the dates wrong, so we he gave me progesterone suppositories and aspirin and sent me home with the scan pictures and another appointment to see him on the 24th of May 2016. I went home feeling better, convinced that I had just calculated my dates wrong. I was so in love with the baby, the little blip on the ultrasound picture - I even placed it on our fridge.

I started having cramps and more spotting Thursday night, but I attributed it to the progesterone or anxiety. Went to bed early and decided not to go to work on Friday, as I needed some rest after the emotionally taxing week. I remember waking up to spotting still and cramping plus lower backache. I was concerned, but tried not to stress too much. I even joked with my parents about constipation causing the discomfort. That was at 9:30. I started working on my book, although my heart was troubled because of the spotting and cramping. At just after 10:30, I started getting painful cramping and lower backache, just like I normally get during AF. Rush to the toilet and saw the blood and clotting. I remember shouting NO! My whole body went numb, then all tingly, I could feel my blood pressure rising rapidly. Texted my mom and husband, while getting dressed. Husband rushed home and we rushed to the ER, while I was on the phone with my Gynae. My blood pressure was almost 200/140 by the time we got to the ER. I was so afraid, but I knew that I had lost the baby already.

My gynae asked us to come around to his office and he did another ultrasound - The baby and sac we saw just the day before, was gone. I was heartbroken, but decided to stay calm. Doc said we will do a D&C that same day, and that I should get checked in at the hospital. Through all of this, I was still in denial. My heart was breaking, but I couldn't cry. I wanted to be strong, to be ok. It's only when I was in the hospital bed with the drip in my arm and pain killers shot in my bum, when I broke down and cried. Luckily the pain shot was very strong, so it made me sleep. My parents drove over 1000km to be with me after they got the news. They unfortunately only got here after I was released from hospital. The D&C was successful and I was sent home the very same night.

Over the weekend it all felt surreal. I developed a runny and crampy tummy, was an emotional wreck and still tried to be ok, for the sake of my husband and parents. Sunday, however, my mom, who is a pastor and grief counselor, decided that we should have a funeral for the baby I'd lost. We rolled up the ultrasound photo and put in in a glass jar, then had a proper burial in our garden, with flowers and a cross with dates on it and white stones. I cried like it was the end of the world. My heart ached sooo much. Sunday night, however, I woke up to husband crying - He tried to be strong for me, but it was also hurting him so badly. We tried so long to have a baby, and we wanted this baby so badly. Yet God decided to take it away from us again.

Well, it is Tuesday and my parents are back home and hubby is at work. I'm still booked off, only returning to work on Thursday. Today it really caught up to me. I've been crying since I woke up this morning, and I'm crying still as I write this. I would never understand the will of God and why these things happen. I now really know and understand what Jillian and Nikita and every other women on this platform who suffered from such a loss is going through. It is something that I cannot describe. They say don't mock a pain you don't know. I believe life starts at conception - So even though my baby stopped developing at 6 weeks due to hormones or whatever reason there may be, I loved this child of mine, it was alive in me, it heart my heartbeat from the inside. I was a mom, even for only a short period of time.

Husband and I have decided to start TTC immediately after the bleeding from the D&C stopped. We are both still very emotional and hurting, but we know that everything works for the good of those who love God. He will give us peace and another little baby to hold. Our rainbow baby. We just need to be still and know that He is God.

Thanks for reading and your support. It helps getting it off my chest. Much love.

@Anzel reading your post made me relive my exact feelings, the heart ache and tears... Losing a baby is something that I wouldn't even wish upon my worst enemy... Its the most terrible feeling in the world and up until today I still feel heart broken. You are a strong exceptional woman and you will get thru this and have a rainbow baby soon, all of us will...

Its hard and not easy to get thru but when you have a partner that supports you and understand it makes everything easier.

Im wishing you everything but the best for TTC and everyone else too...

AFM... I decided I won't TTC just continue with life and if it should happen then so be it but I won't push for it any longer it just breaks my heart every time AF arrives...

Have a wonderful day further ladies...

Jillian Van Ster
0814405803

Hi, ladies

I am back at work today - I have absolutely no desire or motivation to be here. I have a lot of administration to catch up on, especially because my students are starting with their external examinations next week and I have to prepare their admission letters.

Apart from that, I'm doing ok. I am still emotional and teary, which can either be hormones that is still out of whack or sadness for the loss, or both. It drives me insane if I start crying for nothing - Feels like I am being choked around my throat. I have decided not to take any pain killers, antidepressants or sedatives during this time - I want to feel the pain and work through it, so that I can heal quicker. My friend is going through her second miscarriage this year, and I see what the painkillers and sedatives are doing to her - She is not really dealing with her pain, just masking her hurt with pills. I'm not judging her or anyone else who needs these medications to cope with the pain - I am just saying that I chose not to use it at all.

I am reading this book written by Arthur Burk, called preparing, expecting and welcoming the next generation. It is a Christian book based on what the Bible says about conception, babies and infant loss/miscarriage/abortion. It also includes prayers to pray during loss or in anticipation of conception. If anyone of you are interested in this book, pop me a mail at anzel.mans@gmail.com, then I'll mail you a copy. It is available on google as well, if you type in the books name and the author, so whichever one you prefer. I feel that it has helped me to work through the pain and possible reasons why I am struggling to conceive in the first place.

Apart from that, hubby and I had a date night last night - I felt the need to be close to him and spend time with him talking about our loss and our plans going forward. It was so precious to hear him talk about how the loss affected him and how positive he is about trying again. We also started BD'ing again last night, and will do so every second night until well after ovulation. I have bought a few OPK's to start using next week, once I hit CD12/13. I am currently on CD 7, only finishing my fertomid dose tomorrow evening.

So far it seems that I am healing well physically - The bleeding and discomfort has stopped and I am sleeping well. I only have lower backache still, but I'm sure that will go away soon. I'm taking things slow at the moment, trying not to stress too much and to pay attention to my blood pressure. My blood pressure was so high in hospital that their machine made alarm! That was a scary experience. Only once they gave me the pain medication shot, I calmed down and my blood pressured dropped. So far this week, my blood pressure has stabilized in the normal zone, so I am very happy about that.

Anybody here about baby aspirin being good for TTC? I'm using ecotrin to thin the blood and increase blood flow to uterus in an attempt to increase the lining quicker, especially after the D&C. My doctor prescribed it and said that I should continue with it, as well as progesterone suppositories, as soon as I am pregnant again. Apparently the aspirin prevents thick blood and clotting, which could influence the development of the baby in utero, so I don't want to take any chances. I'm literally doing everything my doctor says now, as I don't want to lose another baby.

How is everyone else doing??

@Anzelle - How are you feeling today?

@Annabelle - Any other symptoms?

Hi Ladies,

@Anzelle - you are lucky, I had no bleeding after the evacuation, only got AF almost 2 months later. I will hold thumbs for you

@Annabelle - I am feeling good, no symptoms or anything (just the usual old symptoms I always get)
when will you be testing?

AFM - CD18 not sure on my DPO might be 4 or 5, didn't bother with anything this month and I actually prefer it this way. Will see how it goes.

Hi Everyone

@Anzel: You are an incredibly strong woman and there is no doubt that you are an amazing mom!
wishing you all the best and sending lots of baby dust your way!!

@Chanti: praying that you get the funding needed for ivf.

@Nikita: any news? how are you feeling?

AFM: CD26, 11dpo (certain i ovulated on the 14th as i had lots of pinkish cm, sorry tmi), been having lots of mittelshmerz as well and it got so bad that we went to the Gynae yesterday to confirm that it wasn't anything else more serious. Been having a few symptoms but it could be my body gearing up for AF. eish, all these symptoms are all so similar, a big one for me is the CM, I am usually quite dry but have been getting a sticky cm, (sorry tmi again) has anyone experienced this before?

Thank you, everyone.

I feel much better today. Thinking my hormones are normalizing again!

We are already back on the TTC wagon, as I am on Fertomid 100mg, as well as Inofolic, Fertivor and prenatals. Hubby is also back on sperm-i-prove supplements. Even though I know that we may not fall pregnant this month, I know that the sooner we try again, the sooner we might get good news! I am therefore trying to remain positive and optimistic about everything.

How are you ladies doing?

I am on CD6 today, using fertomid until CD 8, as I only started with it on CD 4. I also bought some ovulation tests, just to track ovulation. I counted the day of my D&C as CD1, but if I get a positive OPK, and I fall pregnant this cycle, I'll then be able to date the pregnancy better. I heard that Clomid can be used to normalize hormones quicker after a miscarriage, so I'm hoping for that. Let's see what happens then!?

@ Anzel,

Reading your post brought tears to my eyes....I feel so bad for you and can't even imagine what you must be going through!
The moment you fall pregnant you fall in love with that tiny little peanut in your tummy and it must be sooo difficult when that gets taken away from you!

I think it was amazing of you to do a burial in your garden...must have been very heart braking but at the same time so special

My heart goes out to you and your hubby - be strong, have faith and hang in there
There's always a bright and beautiful rainbow at the end of a storm