Betrayal of trust

I think for me its not the breastfeeding thats the issue - its that someone that does not have permission to, that the mom does not know well has behaved in a way that could be harmful to the child.

My nanny has a baby the same age as James and I have often sent her home with bottles of expressed milk (she was watering down formula because she couldnt afford it and it broke my heart so one day I offered - explaining the potential risks, but she decided that it was fine with her, so essentially I was an adhoc wetnurse... In fact there is an online programme (human milk for human babies and eats on feets) where informal milk sharing and donation is common (here are many moms who cannot afford pastuerised donated milk and feel that formula is substandard so would rather accept milk from another mom directly). Two of my friends (sisters) had babies at the same time and have often fed each others babies. I wouldnt think twice about my sister feeding my child if I was away.
The thing is, in all of the above cases mothers are making the decisions - its not being made by a third party who may or may not know the risks. Honestly I think that if the nanny is HIV positive (and even worse actually knows her status) then her actions are criminal to say the least!

She got the nerve,damn

Zodwa I think it's so amazing that your sister could do that for you and there is nothing weird about it. Even a similar arrangement between friends that is consensual and safe I wouldn't have a problem with.

But Tinti I totally understand your reaction and feelings about this and would be as shocked and worried as you. One thing though - you said she did it at a time when you would normally bring your LO's bottle to her, so did she think that she wasn't doing anything wrong because she knew you were coming and would see her doing it? If this is the case I know it does not make your worry and shock much better, but at least there was no malicious intent on her behalf. Thanks for bringing this issue to our attention because it's also not something I would have thought happens.

Charnenay did the lady at your work end up hiring the breastfeeding nanny?

There really is a fine line on this topic. The horrible thing bout this happening in this day & age is the HIV issue.

I had real issues with LO latching & him feeding properly, we struggled & finally got it right when he was 7 weeks old, finally got it right!! I dnt know what I was doing wrong or whatever but when my baby was hungry & screaming coz he cant latch, my sister, who had a 14 month old would breastfeed him for me. Her 14month old got jealous & upset but it worked till we got it right.
At some point my nipples were bleeding & raw & cldnt afford to put him on the boob, my sister wold breasfeed him for me.

It was consentual, I knew she had no HIV, she was still breasfeeding her toddler & everything. Some of my friends thought it was weird (I understand where their point of view), some thought it was pretty natural. We even took a pic of her feeding my 3day old baby & her 14month old at the same time!!

Yes, it did upset me at times that she could do that for him & I could not. It made me feel jealous but I was really scared of giving him formula as he was induced due to an irregular heart beat & were waiting for a follow up check up to see if it stabilized.

With a nanny just doing it without ur consent it is upsetting as u dnt know their status & cant really trust them to be healthy. So I understand ur horror, even I would b horrified.
My story is different, I know.
I still find it strange that he latched well with her & I struggled with him.
In hindsight I have 34E breasts, which got bigger when my milk came in. A 36F bra was still small. I think if I had researched diff breastfeeding styles I would have done well with latching him but I didnt have all that info at that point.

Tinti, Im really sorry for what u are going thru & pray that ur LG is healthy

Suddenly I'm very glad that my nanny has never had kids...

Tinti, good luck with everything going forward in this matter. Hopefully your baby will be fine and you will find a safe place for her to stay during the day.

its a good thing that other moms will be aware of this bizarre behavior from nannies from now on. i was also not aware that people can breast feed one's baby without their consent. i am still feeli8ng violated in the worst possible way but at least i made other moms aware. thanks RM

K tried to have a rational conversation with me last night about this issue.

He said, so if the nanny was not HIV positive would it be okay?

And I said no, because it was a betrayal of trust - you breastfeed your child, you do not give someone permission to do it --- unless you do.

<I think it was such an offensive idea to me, that I struggled to verbalise it really well, but the reality is people donate breastmilk and people used 'wet nurses' until not so long ago>

And then he tried to explain that if the baby was upset, and needed soothing, and if no one was HIV positive, and and and ..... about this point I gave him the "look of death" and the conversation ended...

I think Charnenay makes a good point.

Possibly the idea of this is not so repugnant to many people as we think it is.

Hence you raise it with your carer, a bit like you might say:" Listen, I do not want you taking baby out of the house unless you have my permission, and right now the answer is no until I think she is ready to go out the house in a pram."

Again, Tinti, thanks for raising this issue.