New Moms get a raw deal from not-so-new-moms ....

I think there should be sort of AA meetings for Moms that havn't managed BF or didn't have an easy ride doing it!!

Rm, with my first child all I wanted was a red light from someone to say it was OK to use formula milk on after weeks are the most aweful time and my poor baby loosing more and more weight did the BF sister advise me to suplement feed. It was like I needed no second opinion, I ran off to the Pharmacy bought a can of Nan HA and luckily had some bottles still in the box someone had given me which I quickly sterilised (My baby was 5 weeks now and slowly withering away and so was I) She took the bottle immediately and we have never looked back. It was only 3 months later the PND truly kicked in and I blame that squarly on the whole BF fiasco.

With my Son I was determined to get it right. With my daughter it took 2 days and she permanently refused the breast. With my Son I knew he was feeding well but that he still needed suplementing and so I was willing to try anything to get him to keep latching for the inbetween feeds. I tried cup feeding, Syringe feeding and then the medical feeding tube and it was all very stressful.. Slowly but surely I just ended up giving more and more formula but I didn't for a minute feel bad about it because my child was happy and I could keep my sanity.

The main thing is most new moms that struggle with BF really just want someone to tel them it's OK to formula feed if they arn't some of the lucky ones that just look at the Medela pump and it is full. I used to get so irritated when friends would say they pumped out 2 100ml bottles in 15 minutes,...... That certainly wasn't how it was for me. No Sister or clinic or pead or anything will tell you to feed your baby formula, in their mind everybody can breastfeed because that is what the books say or they never had a day's trouble.

Load of codswollip I tell you!!!

2kidmamma - my friend was also lamenting the fact that she was expressing so little, and it was not enough for a feed, so that was adding to her stress and anxiety.

She gave it a good go, it did not work, she needs to move on - I do not think she is breastfeeding now to persevere as she feels particularly strongly about it.

I think she wants the physical closeness one gets with breastfeeding - but said yesterday she only had the two breast feeds and formula the rest of the day, but she said the minute her son latched all she could think of was "please get him off me..." and then of course felt terrible for thinking it.

2kidmamma - I am astounded by what you went through. A large part of me is going: "Why why do that to yourself??" with a sort of "aghast" look on my face.

But no doubt you had your reasons, and this was the route you felt was best/were advised on/decided on.

Unfortunately I was of the school of thought that I was really doing what ever was easiest, and efficient for me.

I think if breast feeding was as challenging as it has been for many moms here, I would have given it up and headed to the local PnP for a can of S26 without a second thought.

Reluctant Mom wrote:

I saw my friend J last night and she had decided to opt for formula - and then try to breastfeed in the mornings and the evenings if she can.

She has the usual trials and tribulations of a new mom, and the sleeplessness and the "wondering how all this happened" but there we go.

We chatted about the "guilt" and the "pressure" society places on new moms and that even with the best will in the world, one gets sucked in to it, and starts making your decisions according to what other people "think" rather than how you truly "feel."

She does however still feel "bad" on a certain level that she is "depriving" her son by not breastfeeding, and trying to weigh this up against the fact that she "feels that she can't anymore..." so it is hard to watch someone who is literally "beating themselves" up infront of you for a decision, they should not have to "excuse" to anyone.

But there we go.

Of course in that discussion she was also being "made to feel guilty" for wanting to go back to work - her family was applying pressure to her to become a "stay at home mom" when she felt that she wanted to go back to work.

We had a further discussion about how motherhood really is a factor of swapping one sense of guilt for another ... pretty much no matter what decision you make, there will be someone standing there making you feel bad for doing it.

I havn't replied to this thread because it is a very emotional one for me. It seems your friend J and I have lived a chapter from the same book. It's been about 5 years now and it's all still very raw. I find it difficult to talk about. I have even since then managed to BF my son for about 4 months reasonably successfully but the pain from the firs time round really sits.

I just wanted to say that if J has decided to opt for formula and BF then she should consider the Nuby range of Soft touch bottles,they have special soft plastic that can be "Pumped" by hand as the baby feeds to make it more like Breastfeeding which may or may not help to prevent nipple confusion and therefore successfully aid in Dual feeding processes. In my sons case I still struggled and had to express and then used a Medical feeding tube plunged into a bottle of breastmilk housed between my two boobs. At Feeding time the little pipe would be inserted into my LB's mouth with the Nipple in so allowing him to drink up the expressed milk at the same time as the feed. i would express on the other side at the same time and then this would happen every 45 mins or so. It was a nightmare and I wouldn't wish it on anybody. All this to prevent nipple confusion. If I had known about these bottles I think I would have been much happier. Seeing as though I could only express rediculously small amounts of breastmilk 'Talking 15-50ml in about 30 mins" the process was a nightmare.

Good for her for trying, she couldn't have done a better job so far!!

aahhh RM...She is still perservering. Well either i hope she comes right or I hope she moves onto formula full time.

I think guilt does come from within though. People keep telling me to let him sleep on my chest if that's what he prefers and to use that time to bond. But honestly I just dont want to! I dont mind him falling asleep on me, but once he's asleep, I want to put him down so that I can have Me time. Because as soon as those eyes open, he wants to be in my arms again. Mommy also needs a break. I know some people will judge that...maybe they think that makes me a bad mom. Well I dont care. If I dont get a little break, I think I would be a bad mom to him!

I realised since becoming a mom there's always something I feel guilty about. I always feel like I could've done something better for my kids. (BF, more qaulity time, less me time, less do's and don'ts)
That is even though I tell myself every day that I love them and do my best and they love me for it.

Truth is, we love them so much that we want the world to be perfect for them....and thats not possible, not even from us.

So, you inspired me today, to do my best and not worry about what my kids may be missing, because everything I do is out of love.

I saw my friend J last night and she had decided to opt for formula - and then try to breastfeed in the mornings and the evenings if she can.

She has the usual trials and tribulations of a new mom, and the sleeplessness and the "wondering how all this happened" but there we go.

We chatted about the "guilt" and the "pressure" society places on new moms and that even with the best will in the world, one gets sucked in to it, and starts making your decisions according to what other people "think" rather than how you truly "feel."

She does however still feel "bad" on a certain level that she is "depriving" her son by not breastfeeding, and trying to weigh this up against the fact that she "feels that she can't anymore..." so it is hard to watch someone who is literally "beating themselves" up infront of you for a decision, they should not have to "excuse" to anyone.

But there we go.

Of course in that discussion she was also being "made to feel guilty" for wanting to go back to work - her family was applying pressure to her to become a "stay at home mom" when she felt that she wanted to go back to work.

We had a further discussion about how motherhood really is a factor of swapping one sense of guilt for another ... pretty much no matter what decision you make, there will be someone standing there making you feel bad for doing it.

Okay, clearly my post offended some people - which it wasnt meant to, and I'm left feeling a bit bewildered.
The point I was trying to make is that guilt is an emotion that only you can feel and that to blame others for guilt is stupid.
To say that the breastfeeding promoters and women who work so hard to breastfeed cause guilt is not fair. If a person is happy with their decision it shouldnt cause guilt, if a person doent know any better and they do something only to find the truth out later they should feel Angry.

To put it like this if I have type 2 diabetes and am told by the docs that I can either go on a heavily controlled diet or I can take diabetic meds. I have a choice, the harder route is controlling my diet and the doc says to me dont worry there are no side efrects, the drug is so much easier. If I decide that I cant forgo those decadent deserts so will take the drugs should I feel guilty about my decision - there are stack of people out there willing to tell me my decision is wrong? If I then meet someone who opted for the more difficult option should that make me feel guilty? Or what happens if I go with diet control and seek out a dietician, but after weeks of trying my sugar is still out of control, should I blame the dietician for not supporting my giving up? But what happens if the no side effects turn out to be quite significant - should I feel guilty for my choice or angry at my doctor for lying to me?

The point I tried to make the first time is that guilt comes from within. Mothers who constantly shout foul about the fact that the breastfeeding researchers are making them feel guilty are doing babies in poor areas where mother havent got ready access to infant formulas a disservice. (aside from breastfeeding being the ONLY thing where we constantly try prove its better than the substitute - no one runs around trying to prove that any other body hormones are better than their drug counterparts)

And blaming women like meags who have tried really hard to succeed just builds animosity. Seriously?! Should I blame my sister for working harder than me and now being on the short list to go to London next year for the olympics for making me feel guilty for not training as hard??

I would also counter that if your friend did go to a breastfeeding clinic and the gave formula as the solution, then that would be a terrible breastfeeding clinic - its kind of like a Christian going to a synagogue and getting angry that they didnt get closer to Jesus...there are plenty of nurses and docs out there that are happy to offer formula as a solution if moms want to appease their "guilt".

The thing is and I know most people on this forum wouldnt believe me, is that I never judge a women for bottle feeding - I dont know their story, how hard they tried, didnt try or even if they are just fostering, but if someone asked for my advice, unless baby was failing to thrive I would also never suggest formula because I believe that although nutritionally sound, its not the preferred method of feeding. So maybe my advice would cause guilt, but again why ask advice from a breastfeeding source if you dont want the answers?

Its funny, but the things that moms SHOULD feel "guilty" for, are the very things that they dont.... I do "judge" moms who let their kids stand on the back seat, hanging out of windows while driving. I judge the mom who goes partying on the weekend and leaves a baby in hospital on its own to the care of the nurses, only to pitch up on monday, unable to go to work because she has got to stay with baby in hospital (yes that has happened a few times). I JUDGE bad parenting.

As parents we there is always going to be something that we wish we could do better at, but to blame others for the guilt? Imagine what our parents must feel, now knowing that tummy sleeping causes SIDS and no car seats equal death????

Breastfeeding has become a lost art - its abnormal in most of the western world, with that it has become more difficult. Add to that the financial burdens most women have which neccesitate going back to work, the research showing its benefits are huge, but its largely unsupported (despite lipservice) so it is difficult. Babies fed formula are usually just fine, its not a reason for moms to get so worked up about.

I hope that was worded better?