New Moms get a raw deal from not-so-new-moms ....

*ouch* Claudia... you speak with alot of knowledge...but sometimes not with enough sensitivity...

Just sharing a blog I read

www.acornpack.com/content/breastfeeding-research-massive-guilt
What happens when new breastfeeding research findings are released?
Research findings from the Millennium Cohort Study that breastfed babies "develop fewer behaviour problems" have been met with the usual, predictable responses.

For those who have breastfed their children, it is a further addition to the overwhelming amount of research out there that they are doing A Good Thing. But for those who didn't breastfeed, whether through choice or circumstance, it can be an extremely painful thing to hear. Some dismiss it as "rubbish" or "propaganda" or "bullying" (all comments seen following this BBC piece on the story). I've also seen it referred to as "another stick to beat us formula-feeders with". I fully expect angry opinion pieces in the papers in the next couple of days, pulling the study apart.

I'm not going to delve through the finer points of this particular study, though I will say it was a well-conducted one with a large cohort. But I would like to talk about the general effect the release of new breastfeeding research has.

The guilt thing
Many of the articles already published about this, in common with other studies, include reminders about not making women who don't breastfeed feel guilty. Janet Fyle, Professional Policy Adviser at the Royal College of Midwives is quoted as saying,

"We need to be careful to keep a balance when interpreting the results, so that we do not send a negative message to mothers that they have failed, or make them feel guilty because they bottle-fed their babies."

And I agree, wholeheartedly, with the first part of that sentence; we mustn't send a negative message to mothers that they have failed. But the line about making them feel guilty? That's trickier to agree with, because accepting that we mustn't make them feel guilty suggests there is something to feel guilty about in the first place.

Is there? Should women be feeling guilt about breastfeeding not working out for them, as opposed to any other emotion? Should new research that highlights the brilliance of breastfeeding on bonding, behaviour or anything else make women feel guilty? I really don't think so.

Watch Your Language
Diane Wiessinger puts it like this in her piece, entitled Watch Your Language:

"Try this on: You have been crippled in a serious accident. Your physicians and physical therapists explain that learning to walk again would involve months of extremely painful and difficult work with no guarantee of success. They help you adjust to life in a wheelchair, and support you through the difficulties that result. Twenty years later, when your legs have withered beyond all hope, you meet someone whose accident matched your own. "It was difficult," she says. "It was three months of sheer hell. But I've been walking ever since." Would you feel guilty?

Women to whom I posed this scenario told me they would feel angry, betrayed, cheated. They would wish they could do it over with better information. They would feel regret for opportunities lost."

So, how do we move beyond this? Wiessinger goes on to say:

"Let's rephrase, using the words women themselves gave me: "We don't want to make bottlefeeding mothers feel angry. We don't want to make them feel betrayed. We don't want to make them feel cheated." Peel back the layered implications of "we don't want to make them feel guilty," and you will find a system trying to cover its own tracks. It is not trying to protect her. It is trying to protect itself. Let's level with mothers, support them when breastfeeding doesn't work, and help them move beyond this inaccurate and ineffective word."

Into the future
So, let's decide to make it different. Let's not buy into the language of guilt, let's get angry instead. We need to expect more from those who are meant to support us to breastfeed, to be the breastfeeding experts. Ask your health professional - midwife, health visitor, GP - how much breastfeeding training they've had and which organisation that training was from (hint: a study day funded by a formula manufacturer doesn't count).

Research can tell us that breastfeeding is awesome till the cows come home, but unless money is put into breastfeeding education programmes for health professionals, practice won't change and society will continue to value "not making women feel guilty" over "ensuring women have better experiences".

And if we keep blaming each other, feeling guilty and trying not to think about it until the next piece of research comes out that stabs us in the gut with regret, betrayal and anger, nothing will get better for anyone and our daughters and granddaughters will continue that cycle.

So, what can you do?
Find out if your local maternity hospital is Baby Friendly - and, if not, write to the CEO to ask when they will be.

Challenge the language you use yourself. Don't buy into the formula manufacturer marketing spin of "not making women who can't breastfeed feel guilty". They love that line; it effectively closes down debate, because anyone who continues talking past it being said is 'attacking new mothers'.

Challenge that language when you hear others using it. Because it is OK to talk about breastfeeding positively and, if we did it more, fewer women would have anything to feel angry, betrayed or regretful about. We can't do anything to change things for women whose children have moved beyond breastfeeding, but we can change things for their children. Let's give it a go.

The point is sometimes advocating a point can seem "militant", but giveb that only 8% of south African women exclusively breastfeed till 6 months as per the WHO guidlines, its a very small percentage that is puching this "guilt" onto other mothers. Also given that in countries where there is no alternative breastfeeding rates are as high as 95%, its shows that breastfeeding is an art that has been lost in modern society. Noone means to make a mother feel guilty and if you are happy with your decision then you wouldnt feel that way anyway.
Also if we did a poll on moomie, I'm pretty sure most of the breastfeeders would say that they cover up or use EBM when out because breasts ave been so sexualised. I couldnt give a rats bum if someone was offended my me feeding my baby, but there are mothers who feel guilt for feeding in public too, yet a mom with a bottle would never bat an eyelid about shoving a bottle into her babys mouth. I'm asked all the time when I am going to stop, and get funny looks about the fact that I nurse for comfort, yet noone bats an eyelid with the 3 year old running around with a dummy. Guilt comes from within and with parenting, there is always going to be someone who thinks what ou are doing is wrong, so part of being a parent is becoming thick skinned and not caring about what opthers think, but rather caring about your own decisions...

This could be because its been said that breastfeeding is the best for babies, but people forget that if you can't, theres also an option of bottlefeeding which is good enough to give the baby most of the nutrion and vitamins needed. I wanted to brestfeed but couldn't because I had fybros on my breast which had to be removed years back and after birth I just couldn't produce enough milk to fill my lo. Though I've never received negative remarks but I could sense that I was being judged or labelled as a bad mother because I couldn't breastfeed. People need to understand that we are different and things can not happen the same way for all of us. The important thing is the health of the baby not the feeding method.

Julz, I think that is the crux of it.

I think in my "before kids every day life" I do not give a snot, but when I had a child, suddenly I was vulnerable, totally out of my comfort zone, felt totally on the back foot, had little or no idea what I was doing, and all I saw were "accomplished mothers" while that was not how I felt.

So in my head I went "well, you know nothing, and everyone is such a good mom.." so I desperately looked around for help/guidance.

<I did not ask, I just looked, and read books>

But then I got exposed to the judgement and the constant sense of women telling me - in often subtle ways - that I could do it better or differently. (strangers in Woolworths were my favourites!)

I was 29, so I was pretty mature.

Even with my 2nd child, I was surprised by it again - the judgement and the comments that make you feel "less than."

And again, I am a rather thick skinned girl - so when a brand new mom who is sensitive (under normal conditions) has a baby and Jane Public starts judging, of course she is not equipped to stand up and say "this is my choice now leave me alone."

Why do we care what others think? Is it that we think being a mother is the ultimate test of who we are? In trying so hard to please others and to be 'correct' as a parent we are failing ourselves then.

I do believe we decide to be a parent and part of being a parent is trying to do what is ideal for your child, but how far should we take it? Is it really necessary to put yourself on the line physically and emotionally for your child?

I had always planned to bf or at least express when i found out i was expecting twins. But after a serious pph, 19l of blood, four surgeries incl an eventual hysterectomy and a two w icu stay on full ventilation and sedation, it was just not possible- yet i still feel guilty at t (very rarely )about it. Despite this, i was bullied into expressing in the hosp eventhough i was so weak my dh had to physically lift me to reposition me. But today my lg are 19w old and weigh five and six kgs respectively - bws 2.1+1.6- so really healty on their nan1

My 2 cents here...

I totally feel for your friend RM - with Jade I STRUGGLED big time to get her to latch but I KNEW what I wanted to do which was breastfeed her and ignored my Mom who suggested I just give her formula when things were tough and I made sure that I finally got her to do latch.

She was born on 20 Dec and I was out of hosp 23 Dec - everyone was on leave - tried various physio's etc. Did laser like 100 to get boobs to heal (complete waste of time) and eventually found a midwife - well my dad actually found her (bless him) and she came round to my house and show a simple simple technique that made everything just fall in place...

Anythewho - I was determined and I did it. Same with expressing - I was going back to work and I just made it work - I was quite open with my colleagues about it which made it easier. I wanted to do it. I did it.

I sometimes think we do need a bit of pressure to do these things otherwise alot of us which just give up? Not just about breastfeeding but other stuff - spending time with your kids, not allowing to eat whatever crap they want, potty training, not swearing etc.

Being a parent is hard and get's HARDER they older the kids get. Newborns are a piece a cake compared to a 3 1/2 Jade! Sometimes we need that little voice in our heads telling we need to try harder because this is what our child needs right now....?

And I really think in today's society if you don't know challenging child rearing is going to be then you really have been living in some island somewhere with no tv, books or internet!

Also I agree women need to listen to themselves and stop giving a "f" what other people think so much! Grow a spine and just carry on with you day and so who gives a sh$t what other people think so much!

Jade still sucks a dummy! Think I give a rats ass what other people say? No. They are not the one bringing up my child, I am! Listen to the proffessionals not capucinno sipping nosey parkers!

My little rant for the day...